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Proclamation of the Hypocalypse


Birmingham Mayor Larry Langford

As revealed by Saint Larry the Divine


War on Dumb by Kyle Whitmire

Chapter 1

1 I looked and there in City Hall a door stood open. 2 And I heard a voice say, “It’s time to do something.” 3 At once I was in the chambers, and there stood a podium with the One strutting before it. 4 Behind the podium was a wide dais and on the dais sat nine councilors and in front of the dais sat department heads who had dominion over all the city works. 5 And behind the One stood 12 ministers from the churches of the city. 6 And I heard him say to them: “If we can have a National Day of Prayer and nobody gets upset, don’t get upset about this one here, and even if you get upset, get upset. We’re still going to have it.”

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Breaking the recycle


Nuance of the new environmentalism

War on Dumb by Kyle Whitmire

“Recycle” is redundant, and it’s only one word.

The prefix is superfluous, put there to make the rest of the word sound more important. Instead, it makes something that should be habitual and routine seem tedious, impractical or quaintly idealistic. “Cycle” will do nicely.

To most consumers, recycling is still the end of an object. Recycling is throwing away something, but feeling better about it when the deed is done. It’s an old way of thinking. In contrast, cycles have no end.

The difference between “recycle” and “cycle” might seem pedantic, but that difference explains what makes “green” different from “environmentalist.”

Life on Earth depends on cycles. Someone explained this to you already, although you might not have been paying attention. There was an illustration somewhere in your eighth-grade Life Science textbook.

There is the oxygen cycle. There on the page is a deer looking into the distance. If you grew up in a rural school system like I did, some older kid before you had drawn a set of crosshairs on the deer. But in defiance of the graffiti, the deer continues breathing, and that’s the important thing here. Because if the deer doesn’t keep pumping carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, then the plants don’t have anything to breathe, and they make the oxygen, which we need. To an eighth grader, the fact that plants breathe might be astounding enough, but amazingly, they breathe in a symbiotic synchronicity with animals - each simultaneously producing what the other needs.

On the next page is a diagram of the water cycle. There’s a mountain in the background, where it’s raining. The rain flows into rivers, which eventually flow into the ocean. There, the water evaporates back into the air, where it forms clouds, and everything starts over again. Simple enough.

On the next page is a diagram of the nitrogen cycle. The deer is in this picture, too, but this time someone has scribbled a turd coming out of it. This is, in fact, germane to the diagram because feces play an important part in the nitrogen cycle, and that’s about all anyone remembers past the next test.

And if students lose interest and begin staring out the window, that’s all right, too. Because all that stuff outside, as cruel and contemptuous as it might sometimes seem, is just one great big perpetual motion machine. That’s the point of all those diagrams. The beauty of it inspires awe in the Darwinian Richard Dawkins disciples and the Discovery Institute quasi-Creationists, alike. Nature has built-in cycles for a reason.

For life to continue to exist on this planet, it must use a finite amount of material an infinite number of times. More to the point, if we learn to reuse our stuff, we won’t run out of stuff.

It’s a simple concept, but few of us have mastered it. Stuff comes from Wal-Mart. When we’re done with it, stuff goes to the dump. Wal-Mart never runs out of stuff and the dump never enters our minds, unless the government puts one near enough to smell it. Our species has the ecological habits of a cat using the litter box.

Until now, environmentalism has been a latte-liberal franchise, and to be part of the environmental industry, you had to have at least one pair of Birkenstocks somewhere in the closet. Environmentalism was for tree-hugging activists who cared for owls and salamanders more than the families of red-blooded American loggers. The bumper-sticker values of environmentalists were self-righteous and off-putting.

But that’s changing. Some conservatives have snubbed the green movement as environmentalism by another name, but just as many are embracing it for reasons that are altogether … well … conservative.

The green movement is practical.

It used to be that SUVs were a vulgar luxury because they cost so much gas. Now SUVs are a vulgar luxury because gas costs so much. Green habits save money. And with a hybrid SUV, you can save money, flaunt your wealth and truck your family, all while doing your part to preserve the environment.

The green movement is efficient.

While your parents yelled at you for leaving the lights on when you left a room, you can now leave that florescent bulb burning and save money at the same time.

It used to be that products were made from recycled materials. Today products are made to be recycled. From carpet to computers, designed obsolescence is taking a new turn. With cradle-to-cradle design, reuse is as important as use.

The green movement is responsible.

You don’t even have to believe in global warming to accept a greener way of thinking. Instead, a trip to the mall a week before Christmas will do the trick. There’s just too many of us now to keep shitting the nest the way we have been. Environmentalism was about the future. Green is about the present.

Finally, the green movement can make us money.

In 2001, I covered a city council candidate forum on environmental issues. Several environmental groups in town sponsored the event and their memberships comprised most of the crowd. Bill Johnson, a council incumbent, participated in the forum, to everyone’s surprise. Johnson had supported a proposal from Masada Oxynol to turn the city’s landfills into ethanol-producing plants. The crowd blasted him with questions.

“You can hold it against me, but I don’t believe in burying trash,” Johnson said then. He told the truth but a crowd full of “progressives” was not ready to hear it. Johnson lost that election. Today he is the Director of the Alabama Department of Economic and Community Affairs.

Alternative fuels then seemed freakish, exploitive and scary. Today, such a proposal would seem virtuous, industrious and progressive.

Environmentalism was a burden, but green is an opportunity. There’s at least as much money to be made in preserving the environment as there was mucking it up in the first place. There’s green to be made from green. And the nice thing about cycling is that it never ends.

There’s money to be made there, again and again and again.

War on Dumb is a column about political culture. Write to kyle@bhamweekly.com

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Birmingham (regional) Chamber Name Game


Langford and business leaders

Last week Mayor Larry Langford said he was upset because the Birmingham Regional Chamber of Commerce had added “regional” to its name. As I wrote in this column, Langford was not being entirely forthcoming about why he’d soured on the chamber, which had previously supported his revitalization ordinance (or “tax hike,” as most businesses have known it).

One thing that I forgot to address was how Birmingham chamber nomenclature compares to other chambers of commerce. For instance here in Alabama we have the Mobile AREA Chamber of Commerce, and the Montgomery AREA Chamber of Commerce. And that place we envy so much across the state line, Atlanta? There they have the METRO Atlanta Chamber of Commerce.

I know what you might be thinking. None of those are regional, right? More than a few chambers around the country have added “regional” to their names, including the San Diego Regional Chamber of Commerce, the St. Louis Regional Chamber and Growth Association and the Orlando Regional Chamber of Commerce, among many others.Even some of those smaller cities we’re learning to envy have regional chambers, places such as Jacksonville, Fla., Charlottesville, Va., and Memphis, Tenn.

But let’s assume Langford is right. If the Birmingham Regional Chamber of Commerce isn’t going to represent Birmingham, maybe Birmingham should find someone who would. The Hoover AREA Chamber of Commerce, perhaps?

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Langford burns business elite


Langford and business leaders

War on Dumb by Kyle Whitmire

Birmingham Mayor Larry Langford (who lives in Fairfield) says he won’t work with the Birmingham Regional Chamber of Commerce because the organization has “regional” in its name. On Tuesday, Langford (who lives in Fairfield) told the city council that the Chamber no longer represents Birmingham and that the city needs a new Chamber of commerce to represent it.

Langford’s statements came a day before the Chamber’s annual Washington D.C. fly-in, when business and political leaders from the region meet with senators and congressmen to lobby for federal investment in local projects.

Langford (who lives in Fairfield) said Tuesday that he won’t be going on the trip.

“First of all I don’t like planes anyway,” Langford (who lives in Fairfield) said. “I’m not flying to Washington, D.C. to carry water for any other city other than Birmingham.”

Last Thursday, Langford (who lives in Fairfield) and Chamber President Russell Cunningham had a heated discussion during a closed-door meeting of area business leaders. The regular meeting has been something of a tradition in Birmingham politics — a venue in which business leaders discuss issues with the mayor under a veil of secrecy.

However, since the meeting last week, that veil of secrecy has been pierced. Rumors have spread that Cunningham and Langford (who lives in Fairfield) even had to be physically restrained from fighting each other. In an interview Tuesday, Cunningham would not comment about the meeting, but that didn’t stop Langford from breaking the business clique’s omerta.

“The Birmingham Chamber of Commerce President made a statement in front of a lot of witnesses that the Birmingham Chamber of Commerce was not the Birmingham Chamber of Commerce,” Langford (who lives in Fairfield) said Tuesday. “Maybe they have taken to the position that calling themselves — they have adopted the title Birmingham Regional Chamber of Commerce — that they don’t represent the largest city in the state of Alabama.”

The name Birmingham Regional Chamber of Commerce isn’t anything new. The Chamber added the extra word to its name five years ago. In that time, Langford (who lives in Fairfield) has been on at least two Chamber trips to visit other cities. On at least one Chamber trip, Langford (who lives in Fairfield) flew on a plane.

Maybe Langford (who lives in Fairfield) is upset at the Chamber for changing its name, but the Chamber has better reasons to be upset at Langford (who lives in Fairfield).

The story begins last year, when Mayor Langford (who lives in Fairfield) was soliciting support for his economic and community revitalization ordinance. The proposed ordinance was to double business license fees and increase sales taxes in Birmingham by one penny on the dollar.

The Chamber learned of the proposed tax increase the way everyone else did outside City Hall — they learned it from the news. Hastily, the Chamber executive committee met, but instead of fighting the increase, the Chamber endorsed the tax plan.

Typically chambers of commerce oppose tax increases on businesses, but this time something different happened. For years the Birmingham Chamber had supported efforts to build a domed stadium in Birmingham. Also, the Chamber had been an outspoken advocate for an adequate, fully funded mass transit system.

Langford’s plan included money for both, but no one bothered to ask more questions such as how much and where.

While some business leaders were unhappy with the Chamber’s decision to endorse the project, Cunningham wrote letters to all the Birmingham City Council members encouraging them to approve the tax increase. Other business heavies wrote letters as well, including Alabama Power CEO Charles McCrary and UAB President Carol Garrison.

However, Birmingham’s business elite made one crucial mistake. They assumed they could trust Langford (who lives in Fairfield).

Initially Langford’s tax proposal promised an additional $19 million per year to fund a domed stadium and $17 million a year more for mass transit funding.

A domed stadium was appealing to the Chamber, but with that $17 million for mass transit, the Chamber could possibly draw down as much $68 million in federal funding to bolster those same projects.

However, when few people noticed, Langford (who lives in Fairfield) changed the numbers. Instead of $17 million for mass transit, the city would appropriate only $9 million. Birmingham Weekly reported this in November of 2007, but neither transit director David Hill nor the Chamber seemed to notice the change until a week ago.

So that was one problem.

But even before that problem became apparent, Langford (who lives in Fairfield) double-crossed the Chamber previously.

That domed stadium? Langford (who lives in Fairfield) decided that the best location was the Birmingham Race Course, rather than at the BJCC.

Of course, Alabama gambling magnate Milton McGregor owns the dog track, which has been suffering from changes in the gambling industry in recent years. As it turns out, Langford’s biggest individual campaign contributor was none other than McGregor.

Langford (who lives in Fairfield) was happy to have the business elite’s backing for his tax hike, but when that same elite began to complain, his attitude changed.

Now Langford (who lives in Fairfield) is playing a familiar trick — he’s drawing attention to the word “regional” in the Chamber’s name. Langford (who lives in Fairfield) has known for years about the name change, but now he’s using it to play the race card. He knows that in Birmingham “regional” has become a fearmonger’s race-baiting code word for “white.” He is trying to do the same thing to the Chamber that he did to The Birmingham News.

Like many others before them, Birmingham’s business elite learned a hard lesson last week. Whether its household pocket book issues or billion-dollar bond deals, it’s not good business sense to trust Mayor Langford (who lives in Fairfield).

War on Dumb is a column about political culture. Write to kyle@bhamweekly.com

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Leapin’ Larry’s Sayler man


Steve Sayler

Finance chief steered JeffCo disaster

WAR ON DUMB by Kyle Whitmire

Two weeks ago, Banks, Finley, White & Co. delivered the fiscal 2007 audit to the City of Birmingham. The city received a clean bill of health.

“We did enough tests and procedures that we feel that if fraud had occurred, we would have caught it,” Jeff White told the Administration Budget and Finance Committee.

Realize, though, that this audit was for the fiscal year ending June 31, 2007, the last full fiscal year of the Bernard Kincaid administration. Short of inspiring confidence, it is a good indicator of what Birmingham has yet to loose - its good name on the market and credit with the banks.
Next, you have to look to one hiring change made by the new mayor, Larry Langford.

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Mayor wrecks transit hopes


David Hill F

Transit director David Hill really should read the Weekly more often. The Birmingham News is reporting on al.com that Hill has just now realized that he’s not getting as much money from the city of Birmingham as he thought he would, not as much as Birmingham Mayor Larry Langford promised him. … no … mustn’t be … prideful …

You see, Hill thought he was getting $17 million from Langford for mass transit improvements.

… agh … can’t hold it … much … longer …

But the strange thing was that the tax plan proposed by Langford and approved by the Birmingham City Council included only $9 million for transit.
… turning green … like HULK …

Councilor Valerie Abbott even asked Langford during the debate how much money was going to transit — the $17 million originally proposed, or the $9 million Langford quietly sneaked into the ordinance.

… just … a little … longer …

Larry LangfordAnd we even asked Hill about it the same day as Langford’s State of the City Address. Twice in that speech Langford said that $9 million in new money was going to transit, but when I asked Hill about it just minutes later, he insisted the BJCTA had $17 million in new money headed its way.

… the rage … welling up …

In recent weeks, the BJCTA has even been running ads on local radio stations telling residents what wonderful things would be heading their way because of Mayor Larry Langford, the Birmingham City Council and the truck load of cash they had approved for mass transit improvements in Birmingham.

… can’t … aw screw it …

We told you so!

And not just recently, but THREE MONTHS ago. In the Nov. 29, 2007 issue of the Weekly, we wrote in a column noting the discrepancy:

So what does the Langford administration do when it’s $8 million short? The same thing everyone else has done — screw transit. Quietly, a second draft of Langford’s proposed ordinance cut $17 million for transit to a mere $9 million. The money for the dome, of course, remained the same.

And that wasn’t the only instance. It takes three licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop — the same number it takes to tell the truth about Mayor Langford’s promises.

ONE: Leapin’ Larry’s Counting Coup

TWO: MAX’s Magic Math

THREE: Magic City Math

Yup, David Hill bought what Langford was selling and now he looks like a fool.

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Decked out and smokin’


Langford office patio

City builds mayor deck at taxpayers’ expense

By Kyle Whitmire

Things are changing at Birmingham City Hall, and not just the politics. The building itself has changed, although you might not have noticed if you didn’t know where to look.

I’ve been going there weekly for almost seven years now, and I didn’t notice the difference until someone told me where to look - up.

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Langford consultant has tricky ties


And also an address at the Pita Stop building

By Kyle Whitmire

Larry Langford The Birmingham Mayor’s office has proposed a $150,000 contract with a consulting firm implicated in dirty tricks during the last city council election and also tied to unofficial mayoral aide John Katopodis.
The consulting firm, Stuart Consulting Group, has its Birmingham address at the “Pita Stop” building on Birmingham’s Southside. In a lawsuit against HealthSouth, Katopodis has claimed ownership of the building.

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Magic City Math


Langford’s illusions are in the numbers

Larry Langford

by Kyle Whitmire

The Birmingham Jefferson County Transit Authority now has the funding it needs to finish its intermodal facility on Morris Avenue, replace all the buses in the bus fleet and build a trolley system downtown, complete with vintage streetcars imported from Europe. All because of new funding from the City of Birmingham.

Or, at least that’s what BJCTA Executive Director David Hill told the Birmingham City Council last week.

However, the BJCTA is counting on $17 million in new funding from Birmingham. Currently the council and the mayor have approved $9 million in new funding from the 100 percent business license hike last year.

Mayor Larry Langford initially told the council that the new fees would provide $17 million for transit, but that changed to $9 million after the mayor’s office realized that there was a problem with its math.

The mayor’s office didn’t explain the switch-a-roo to the council, though. When Councilor Valerie Abbott brought the discrepancy up, Mayor Langford told her that the $9 million number was a mistake. The city would give the BJCTA $17 million, Langford said.

But then something peculiar happened. The mayor’s office submitted an amended ordinance that changed that number back to $9 million, among several other tweaks and changes. It seems that the first ordinance was half-baked, but heaven help anyone who said so at the time.

In fact, lots of budget ordinances are being passed and then amended because of problems with the math. Just this week, the council passed two budget amendments necessary because of “a clerical error.” The mayor’s office is moving money back and forth and the Birmingham City Council hasn’t the slightest idea where it’s coming from or where it’s going.

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Branding Birmingham


BrandingBhamP

More magic than who?

Three years ago, the Birmingham Regional Chamber of Commerce made its annual “Big Trip” to Nashville, taking business, community and political leaders on a tour through Music City USA. Everyone knew it was Music City USA because “Music City USA” was on virtually everything — lampposts, signage, cocktail napkins. Even the dessert plates were garnished with tiny chocolate guitars. Nashville had established its brand.

Birmingham Mayor Larry Langford was on that trip, and the idea of branding a city triggered those squally machinations in his mind. As usual, he believed his first idea was the best and damned if anyone would convince him otherwise.

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