Please shut up Birmingham
I like to talk. I love to talk. Since I also do stand-up comedy, I’d better damn well like to talk. You might say I’m talking right now with this article. Except I’m talking with my fingers. That sounds like sign language so I guess it’s not like that at all. It’s more like talking with my mind instead of my mouth. Ok, that’s more like mental telepathy. Let’s just agree that I like to talk. Talking about all kinds of things. Over the years, I’m less inclined to small talk, but mostly depending on to whom I’m talking. If it’s small talk with a good friend then I’m ok. If it’s the stinky, grizzled guy on the bus, maybe not. He’s three seats away and insists on making these loud declarations about weather or how his leg hurts. I’m clearly not paying attention to you. Why are you still talking? Can’t you see I’m pretending to read or fake talking on my cell phone? Incidentally, my fake conversation was riveting in comparison.
I also love to hear others talk. Especially if it’s important, informative or funny. I like a good lecture, one man show or museum tour. The talking heads on political news shows can get overbearing, but I still like to hear them sometimes. One of the best talks I heard lately was from Rachel Reinhart of Jones Valley Farm. She was fun, informative and best of all, told me how to keep my greens happy. And who doesn’t like happy greens? Thanks Rachel! I owe you a bowl of collards.
But all talking isn’t about edible foliage or current weather conditions. Some is downright infuriating. More than talking, I like going to the movies! I haven’t been in a while cause movies are expensive and I’m a poor starving artist. Why aren’t people buying my Crayola renderings of the First Supper? I stayed in the lines. Art snobs! But like I said, I love movies. I really want to see that new Liam Neeson movie called The Grey! Granted I’m assuming every movie with Liam Neeson is going to be similar to TAKEN. Using a series of movie clichés to describe TAKEN, it’s an Action Packed Thrill Ride, and Adrenalin Rush.
Normally these phrases are just thrown around willy nilly, but in my opinion it’s truly an Action Thrilled Rush Ride of Adrenalin Packs! Fun Fact: TAKEN was originally titled, Liam Neeson Ain’t F**king Around!
So I’m looking forward to seeing his new movie. But I can’t watch it now. I have to wait till it comes to the dollar theatre, which I’m terrified of doing. The dollar theatre is great. Same movies, same popcorn, same soda, they recently got new seats and I save some money. But why am I dreading seeing a movie there? Like everything in life, it’s the people. People ruin everything and how do they ruin my movie, by talking! People talk sometimes in the regular theatres, but no where near as much as the mouth breathing knuckle draggers at the dollar movie. Most people, including myself who frequent the dollar movies are fine upstanding citizens who come to enjoy cinema and make sure others around them do as well. Then there are the mutants who talk, talk and talk.
The following is a true story. I go to the dollar movie to see Drive with Ryan Gosling. Great movie! And no, it’s nothing like the Fast And The Furious movie franchise. Geez! I’m sitting there trying to enjoy the film in silence and this couple is yammering away, a row back and three seats over. They talked through the entire film. That is not an exaggeration! They talked through the commercials, trailers, opening credits and the entire 1 hour 40 minute duration of the movie. They never stopped! You know when you hear someone in the theatre talking and you think to yourself, “Surely they’ll stop talking soon.”. I sat there and thought that for the first 45 minutes then gave up. And it sounded like small talk. The same crap I tried to avoid on the bus ride over. They didn’t even talk about the movie. Don’t know if anyone has presented this question, but how much would you pay to talk to someone? What amount would you shell out to have a conversation with a famous, powerful, influential, or simply interesting person? Well, I’ll tell you what these morons would pay. Exactly one dollar. They had a one dollar conversation with each other about what seem to me to be the most boring subjects ever. When they got home, I bet they never said a word to each other. I’m sure they were exhausted from all that talking like Lincoln and JFK were after their historic speeches. Why, dear God why?
The real question is, why didn’t I ask them to be quiet, or shush them, or just move? What’s wrong with me? Yes, I know it’s the dollar theatre. Some would say to me that you get what you pay for. And I would say to them, “Did you pay for getting pushed down a flight of stairs, cause that’s what you’re getting.”