I RESOLVE TO HAVE A CHANGE OF HEART ABOUT RESOLUTIONS.
Ok, ok I’m full of crap. I vehemently stated a couple of issues ago that I don’t make resolutions and now I seem to be making them involuntarily. I’m not a hypocrite. I’m just an impressionable young fella who can’t resist the magnetic draw of resolutions. It’s peer pressure! Everybody’s doing it,Mom! And if you’re going to ask me that old chestnut of if I’d jump off a building if everyone else did, I have something to say. How tall a building, will we shoot video of it, how soon to upload it to youtube and parlay it into a reality show?
It’s not that I want to make resolutions. Oh heavens no. I realize I have an obligation to all my fans. Yes, all twelve of you. Why should you go through life with your surely boring resolutions? Losing weight, studying harder, making more of an effort to get to work on time? How pedestrian. Since your resolutions stink and since it’s still January, you’ve still got time to make resolutions.
Any sucker can make one on New Years Day. It takes a real maverick to make it towards the end of the month. I’ll make resolutions you can call your own.
Thinking for yourself is so 2011.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: Frivolously Make More Friends. There are only three groups in the world who will believe they’ve made a genuine best friend in the span of only two days: 1. Four year old children 2. Dogs 3. Women who are contestants on the Bachelor. As my friend Amy pointed out, all of these groups have the same level of intelligence and maturity. Not to insult dogs and children of course. Frivolous friends are great for exploiting for when you need a ride or someone to pick up the tab. Hey, it’s no more impersonal than the 347 “friends” you have on facebook.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: To Be Or Not To Be? I’ll finally answer the question that has plagued us as a people for centuries!
I’ve got UAB’s top scientists on it, working round the clock. Theatre Downtown will do a production of Hamlet here in Birmingham in February and March. By then the research will be applied and that play will be a little more awesome. Plus only 27 minutes long. You’re welcome Shakespeare!
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: Finish Building That Time Machine. I say finish, because who among us haven’t started a Saturday project and just never seemed to get it done. Building that tool shed, reupholstering that chair, constructing a flux capacitor capable of temporal dimensional dispersion. You know, weekend sh*t. Let’s finish that time machine and get to traveling. And don’t go back in time to kill Hitler. That’s so played! I’ll keep my time travel more home grown. I’m gonna go back in time and hold Bull Connor’s arms while Martin Luther King and Fred Shuttlesworth kick him in the shins. Take that history!
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: Finally Touch Vulcan’s Butt! Who among us haven’t dreamt of smacking old Vulcan on his cast iron hinder? This has nothing to do with the fact that I’m an as* man. I’m just saying, look at that as*, man! If they didn’t want us to want to touch it, then why did they go through the trouble of polishing it up like a giant,shiny, pagan apple? Why should only the elite of Birmingham have the privilege of touching Vulcan’s godly booty? We’re the 99%! By the way, here’s a list of people who have gotten to touch Vulcan’s butt: Chef Frank Stitt, Mayor Larry Langford, Pam Huff, Coach Nick Saban, Mayor William Bell, Cousin Cliff, Harper Lee, Country Boy Eddie, Former Miss Alabama Heather Whitestone, Bo Jackson, James Spann, Fox 6’s Mickey Ferguson & Jeh Jeh Pruitt, MTV’s Alan Hunter, Governor Bentley and American Idol winner Taylor Hicks.
Those were some major resolutions that I should make this year and so should you! I know they are lofty and perhaps seem a bit unattainable. But, I believe in you. I believe in us. Together we can accomplish these things. These resolutions are just like climbing Mount Everest, except not stupid. But if you need to take baby steps, here are some quick, down and dirty resolutions. You can make them with little or no effort, which incidentally is how I prefer to make love.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: Needlessly Give Things Stupid Nicknames. The year 2012 will now be referred to as 2-Oh-Dozen!
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: Instead of being used as a horrible insult, the next time I say “See You Next Tuesday”, it will be a true statement of when I’ll see you next week.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: No Matter How Much You Beg, I’m Not Going To Help You Move That Couch.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: Let Bygones Be Bygones. Bury the hatchet this year. If you’ve had problems with friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, try to work them out. A key to a more peaceful life is one that is without needless strife.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: Vengeance! If all that bygone be bygones crap doesn’t work, then crank up the old revenge machine. Life’s too short to not let people know how much you don’t like them. They say the best revenge is living well. I say the best revenge is keying the car of the guy who said that.
Happy Newish Year! Christopher Davis
If you’d like more help with making and breaking resolutions, go see Chris Davis and his merry band of comedians Friday night at FRESH GROUND COMICS. It’s the best local stand-up in town for just five bucks! Go to facebook.com/freshgroundcomics for more info.