Thanksgiving is finally upon us. Time to gather with friends and family to give thanks for what we have. Of course, don’t forget to think of others who have very little. Volunteer, donate money, donate food or help in some way the less fortunate. Who knows, it could be you one day. I like Thanksgiving because it’s a nice time of reflection. Although we should have such reflection everyday.
But the Thanksgiving holiday doesn’t happen everyday which makes it more special and makes us take stock in the blessings of the last year.
But more significant than the day of thanks, more important than all the turkey and dressing, more crucial than family and friends, is truly the most holy day of them all in Alabama. No not Christmas, The Iron Bowl! Yes, the Iron Bowl where Auburn and Alabama finally meet each other on the field. The battle for football supremacy so big that it not only engulfs the state, but college sports enthusiasts all over the country know of the famous rivalry. Somewhere outside of Alabama, this conversation is going on in a classroom. “It was brother against brother in a battle that tore the south apart.” “The Civil War, teacher?” “No you ignorant 3rd grader! The Iron Bowl! The Iron Bowl! Kids today. Sheesh!” Well I for one wish I had a ticket to the Iron Bowl. Because if I did, I’d scalp the hell out of it! There are single tickets going for as much as $680.00. I’m not a big football fan so I could use the money to pay my rent and have enough left over for a couple of fried turkeys. I must admit It can get pretty exciting watching either Auburn or Alabama run for a touchdown, while my family cheers in the background. I’m not a sports guy, but I don’t have a heart of stone. I also don’t have a brain of stone either, which is why I’ve come up with the greatest idea ever. I’M GOING TO PULL A HEIST DURING THE IRON BOWL!
It’s the perfect crime. I’ll explain. The last time I went shopping during the Iron Bowl, I didn’t even realize the game was going on. But every cashier at every store in the mall knew it, and they weren’t going to let me and my stupid purchases get in the way of their precious football.
I was ignored left and right; browsing, handling merchandise, redressing the male mannequins in ladies casual.
Nothing I did garnered their attention.
Even when I was trying to check out and give them money! The cashier tried to ring me up. Her fingers typed on the register’s keyboard while her head bobbed side to side following the game on a wall mounted t.v. It was like some terrible Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder impersonation. That’s when it hit me. During the Iron Bowl, no one pays attention to anything except the Iron Bowl. So it’s the perfect time to pull a heist. Move over Ocean’s Eleven!
But to pull a heist, you’ve got to have the perfect team. And a perfect team needs perfect nick names that fit their job in the heist. Here’s the rundown. First there’s “Brains”. That’s me. Since I’m orga nizing it, I get to be the leader. “Sluggo” the muscle. Every heist needs someone to do some heavy lifting but not ask too many questions. He needs to be big and dumb, like a Herman Cain supporter. Then there’s “Mooch”. He knows how to get anything out of anyone, so he’s the confidence man. Next is “Legs”.
Gotta have a hot babe in your crew in case some savvy seduction is needed. She’s the inside man or woman in this case. “The Mensch” is the next in my crew. He’ll be explosives. Cause every heist needs explosives. Even if you don’t need explosives, you need explosives!
Mensch is an old Yiddish term you call someone who’s a really nice guy. “The Mensch” doesn’t have to be Jewish, but it wouldn’t hurt. And last, there’s “Spats”. I don’t know what he does or why he got that name. I just think it’s cool to have someone named Spats in a heist.
Now that my team is set, what to heist? Well, I haven’t gotten that far yet, but a heisting we will go! Maybe I’ll Google heist and see what comes up.
Don’t judge me. It’s my first heist.
Disclaimer: Neither I, the Birmingham Weekly nor Coach Nick Saban are encouraging anyone to pull a heist or commit any crime of any kind during the Iron Bowl or any event, sports related or otherwise. Aren’t disclaimers fun. Ever notice car commercials always have that little type at the bottom of the screen that reads “Professional driver on closed course. Do not attempt.”?
Aww that’s sweet, they want to make sure viewers don’t see their commercials, try to attempt the stunts performed and hurt themselves. Well wake up daredevil, that’s not for your safety! It’s for when your dumb ass tries to file a lawsuit after hurting yourself driving trying to drive a Mazda up the side of a building and do a somersault into a field of daffodils. You can’t do that! They have expert drivers, medics at the ready and a special effects team that would give George Lucus an inferiority complex. But car companies know that Darwinian dimwits might jump into their Natural Section Mobile and crack their fool heads open. That’s why one of the most dangerous phrases in the English language is “Hey y’all watch this!” Whatever follows never ends well. But the happy-go-lucky disclaimer absolves them of any liability, avoiding any nasty idiot lawsuits.
I hope I’ve made myself clear. So no heists! Leave that to the professionals like me and Sluggo. Roll Tide, War Eagle, and If I’m caught and put in jail, please bring me some Thanksgiving leftovers.
“Why is this dish of dressing and cranberries I’m taking back to my prison cell shaped like a hack saw? Oh warden, you do go on.”