All Hallows Eve is upon us. Or Halloween to you uncultured types. One thing I know about Birmingham, is that we know how to party it up for Halloween! People have already been attending the big haunted attractions in town like the annual Sloss Fright Furnace in Southside and Atrox Factory in Leeds. They will scare the pants off you. So make sure you wear pants or it’ll be a waste of time. I’m gonna make my way to Sloss Fright Furnace this year for the first time. I used to think the scariest thing I could get at Sloss was a tetanus shot. After looking at some images and hearing some feedback from others, it looks like a good time! I’ve always been a fan of Sloss anyway so it should be a treat. Even the Sy Fy original series, Ghost Hunters came to Sloss once to check out the ghosts that are rumored to haunt the old furnace. I’ve watched Ghost Hunters once as it’s two hosts travel to haunted places around the country to hunt for ghosts. Although I’m glad a couple of out-of-work frat boys could find a way to make a living in this economy by pretending to look for ghosts that aren’t there, this show is totally fake and a waste of time. That’s got nothing to do with Sloss, I just really really wanted to say that. I went to Atrox once and it was scary! What made it so scary you ask?
One word, CLOWNS. Nuff said! They weren’t even very menacing clowns but they hurriedly walked up to you and never said a word. Who knew something as simple as violating my personal space could be so bloodcurdling? Have fun at these two scare joints before Halloween is over. But before Halloween is over, my Christmas wish is to go to a HELL HOUSE! If you don’t know what a HELL HOUSE is, let me tell you. It’s a haunted house experience sponsored by a local church. Instead of showing you ghosts and goblins, it shows you the ills of immoral and unChristian-like behavior.
“And to your left, the boy who had premarital sex after smoking a cigarette and drinking Red Bull!” “And through this door, the man who made the baby Jesus cry with his homosexuality! Ooooooo!” I can’t wait! Feel free to enjoy commercial or organized spooktaculars but don’t forget the much anticipated Halloween house parties. They’re everywhere and I’m gonna crash all of them. I’ll be the one dressed like a guy being escorted away in handcuffs for trespassing at a party he wasn’t invited to. It’s my go to costume. While we’re on the subject, allow me to give you some words of wisdom about successful parties and how to avoid a lame party that will make you defriend the host on Facebook the day after.
Once I attended an event that had the audacity to refer to itself as a Halloween party. I was dressed as a swashbuckling cavalier, but my friends kept calling me a pirate. Why are pirates so damn popular?
They’re murderous thieves! I was a debonair swashbuckler! Not sure if that meant I swashed buckles or buckled swashes. Whatever! When I arrived at the party, there were plenty of people in costumes like me. Music was playing and a general festive glee was in the air. The characteristics of a party ended right there. I looked around for refreshments and got a slap in the face. I’m no Martha Stewart, but I’ve thrown some very good parties, so let me be absolutely clear on this. A keg of beer and a dish of candy corns do not a party make!
By the time I got to this poor excuse for a party, the keg was more foam than beer. This really wasn’t a big deal to me because I’m not a big fan of beer. Beer is fine, but it just ain’t my thing. I love and respect beer drinkers as I would anyone. I even don’t mind letting you and your kind vote or go to the same schools that I do. Progressive aren’t I? I drink Southern Comfort. I’m a sophisticated, grown-up drunk thank you very much. A full keg at a party is as useful to me as an empty keg at a party. If you see me out and about at a bar, don’t buy me a beer. But do feel free to buy me a Southern Comfort on the rocks, and in return I’ll regale you with a tale of how I don’t care for beer. Fair trade if you ask me.
Since the keg was expired, I made my way to the kitchen for a glass of water. Tap water at a party is totally acceptable. I had my fill of it and it was quite refreshing. Thanks Brita! I made my way to the sad and lonely dish of candy corns, cause I loves me some candy corns. It’s the best seasonal confectionary treat there is! Pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving is good, candy canes at Christmas are tasty and during Kwanzaa? I don’t know the traditional meals served during Kwanzaa. Let’s say shepherd’s pie. Anyway, candy corn is king! So I avail myself of the delicious tri-colored morsels and it hits me.
These were some dime store knock off candy corns and they tasted like crap. Blasphemy in my mouth! When you offer me that Southern Comfort at the bar and you want to follow it up with a healthy dish of candy corns, they better be Brach’s brand candy corn! Brach’s is the true leader in candy corn technology. They use real honey! Honey straight out of a bee’s ass. I’m pretty sure that’s where honey comes from. Regardless, if it’s not Brach’s then no thanks. They’re America’s number one candy corn. The people have spoken! So keep your bootleg, godless candy corn to yourself. I quickly washed my mouth out with beer foam and hand soap, left the party, then made my way to the nearest grocery store. “Dammit man, where do you keep your candy corn?” I asked the store manager. “Of course I want Brach’s!” I screamed as I slapped him across the face. I came upon the display on aisle 3, and ate a small child’s weight in delicious corn candy. When I came to, I was in the forest, naked, cold and scared. It was my own fault. Brach’s is the hard stuff. You go on a corn bender and you’re likely to see and do some things you might regret later. Drink responsibly but eat candy even more responsiblyer. Responsiblyer is a word if I say it is. And I say it is. So there.
In my opinion, the best thing you can do that’s a real crowd pleaser is show the finest piece of cinema ever made at your Halloween party, It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. It’s hands down the most awesome Halloween special ever. Linus is so sincere about the Great Pumpkin, Sally is in love with Linus, Charlie Brown gets a bag full of rocks and Snoopy pretends to be a World War II fighter pilot.
What more could you want?! Throw in a jazzy soundtrack and kids saying things that are way to smart for most adults to get, and you’ve got a great show. But to my shock and dismay, there are people out there who really don’t care for It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. If you’re reading this and you’re one of those people or if you know someone who is, let me say something to you. I don’t trust you, I don’t respect you, I don’t know you and you’re dead to me. Happy Halloween Everybody!
“Here’s the thing…” is a weekly column featuring humor and commentary by Christopher Davis, comedian and host of Fresh Ground Comics and View of the City. Send your feedback to chris@bhamweekly.com.
Lee Thrash