A GOOD BAMA RISING: Country music band Alabama will host a storm benefit concert called “Bama Rising” at the BJCC June 14.

UNPLUG ME, JESUS: Y’all, I need to unplug from EVERYTHING—email, cell phone, television, Twitter and, definitely, Facebook, better known as the Great Beast Numbered 666 (“It’s all for you, Damien”). And I don’t care that some dude I went to ‘Bama with just had a latte or doesn’t want to go to work.

PAGING STEPHEN KING: Dude, there’s a HUGE low-oxygen “dead zone” in the Gulf of Mexico, near the mouth of the Mississippi River. It’s 8,500 square miles, roughly the size of New Jersey—that place where the Sopranos whack people.

HI THERE, GREENIES: Y’all come in and sit a spell around the cracker barrel and tell Uncle Jesse your troubles. Now, I can’t help you—can’t even solve my own problems—but I’ll sure as hell listen, especially if you bring a half-rack of PBR long necks.

GREEN NOT VERBOTEN AT BENZ PLANT:“Mercedes-Benz Alabama Plant Goes Green” reads the headline of a recent article by Patrick Rupinski of the Associated Press.

THANK THE GODS FOR JANUARY: Yeah, they’re almost over, the detestable holidays. Thanksgiving’s long gone, except for the extra pounds on your ass. Christmas is over, even if lots of people still have decorations up.

CHRISTMAS CHEER? Ah, Christmas, a holiday wrapped so tight in nostalgia you almost choke to death. It’s a time to think about the great gifts you could buy if you were a better person and made more money.

We got Shanghied: The Program for International Student Assessment released their scores earlier this month, and U.S. students barely passed the average mark. In fact, math scores were below average. Science and reading scores only beat the spread by a couple of points apiece.

GIVE ‘EM SUBPOENA POWER: Adam Snyder, executive director of environmental lobby Conservation Alabama, spoke to the state legislature last week regarding the link between environmental policy and state ethics reform.

WE WANT OUR SHARE, BP: Alabama Senator Richard Shelby sent a letter to British Petroleum (BP) CEO Robert Dudley, on Monday, November 22, requesting that BP fund efforts to revitalize Alabama’s tourism and fisheries industries, according to a release from Shelby’s press office.