New years eve is always marked by things that are traditional or for lack of a better word, obligatory. The obligatory party, the obligatory roman candles and sparklers from Crazy Bill’s Fireworks, the obligatory kiss, and of course that holiday favorite, the obligatory bout of depression. The gift that keeps on giving... and giving, and giving.
And of course, you have new years resolutions. I used to make them all the time, but realized I never kept them so I just quit doing it. And no, I didn’t make a resolution to stop making resolutions. I’m lazy and redundant, but not that redundant.
Making new years resolutions is like making your bed. Why bother if you’re just going to mess it up later?
Since I don’t make them anymore, I’d like to share with you some resolutions that some others have made. But the unique thing about these resolutions is that they’re from January, 2011. I found them in a time capsule buried beneath Sloss Furnace. How I came across the encrypted code that led me to the secret map that led me to these private resolutions and why they were buried in the first place, well that’s none of your damn business. Just shut up and read them.
GOVERNOR BENTLEY If people aren’t Christians, then they’re no brother or sister of mine and I’m sorry they’re not. I wish that they were. But Christians here illegally, well I can’t stand that even more. I resolve this year do something about all the illegal aliens in the state. Nothing drastic of course. Wouldn’t want things to get out of hand and have a bunch of people constantly terrified of being detained or worse. Of course if you’re illegal and not Mexican, it won’t be that big of a deal. Imagine a white, German, Mercedes exec getting arrested because he didn’t have proper papers. What a hoot that would be. Fortunately something like that could never happen.
COMMISSIONERS OF JEFFERSON COUNTY 2011 is gonna be a great year! We resolve to take care of all of Jefferson County’s financial woes. After years of bad bond deals to upgrade the sewer system, widespread corruption, bribery and fraud charges, we’ve really got to get our act together.
Wouldn’t want to end up like Orange County California, in 1994. Imagine having the largest bankruptcy of any municipality in the history of the country. Those poor saps. Sucks to be them.
COACH GENE CHIZIK OF THE AUBURN TIGERS 2010 kicked ass! Undefeated, won the Iron Bowl, SEC Championship and National Championship! Things couldn’t get any better. Sure am looking forward to 2011. My first new years resolution is to not get so worked up over winning or losing. After the banner year the team and I just had, even if we don’t go all the way, I know the rational, sensible and always kind fans will always be dedicated to me. We’re gonna do our best this year to win the SEC again, but If we don’t it’s not like people will want me to quit. That would be silly. Hey, there’s some sketchy looking guy with an Alabama t-shirt and a mysterious canister lurking by the tree at Toomer’s Corner. I’d better stick to my second new years resolution to mind my own business and not be so nosey.
Wow! Those were some pretty wild resolutions. There are several more, but I just don’t have the room to write about all of them, including the one from Meteorologist James Spann about finally admitting to the city that he has a weather control device. Maybe next year folks. But there’s one thing at the end of the year that’s not obligatory. In fact it’s mandatory! The New Years Day Twilight Zone Marathon on the Sci Fi Channel. They call it the Sy Fy Channel now, but I refuse to acknowledge that. Oh the Twilight Zone Marathon! Nothing like seeing Burgess Meredith, William Shatner and a cast of hollywood’s soon to be who’s who, get their asses handed to them by Rod Serling. Rod, who wrote the majority of the episodes, could really ruin your day if you were a character on the Twilight Zone. Hey everybody, these aliens just arrived on earth, and wrote a book on how nice they want to be to us. It’s called “To Serve Man”. What? It’s a cookbook? Oh now I get it. To “serve” man. You got me Rod. Boy is my face red. I can’t wait to watch something with the word “Twilight” in the title that doesn’t involve sparkly vampires and shirtless wolf teens.
The year was full of less than perfect scenarios, but maybe things aren’t so bad after all. At least some stupid ol’ aliens aren’t going to take us into their ship and eat our delicious flesh. We’ve had some good things happen this year too and despite our setbacks, things are gonna get even better. Of course, if that Myan calendar is correct, the world will end in 2012. If that’s the case, as soon as it’s 2012, let’s party like it’s 1999 and hope we make it to 2013!
Happy New Year Everyone! Christopher Davis