I’m Chris Davis. I’ve been Chris Davis for as long as I can remember. Maybe even longer. Although I’m the only Chris Davis in my family, circle of friends and neighborhood, I realize there are others in the world that bear my name as well. There were at least two in my high school and while in college, I was scolded in a message for repeatedly being late to rugby practice on a team that I wasn’t even a part of. Great, not only is this other Chris Davis on the rugby team, but he’s getting us both in trouble for being late! I’ve never been tardy by proxy before.
I am now copyrighting the term Tardy By Proxy. I don’t know how, but I’ll get some use out of it.
I am one of many Chris Davises. Or “Davi” if you will. Our numbers are great.
Soon we will rule the world. Last weekend I discovered another of us in the highest office a person can hold. Auburn football player! People kept coming up to me and joking about me playing for Auburn because one of the players and I bear the same name. The bigger joke is that I could play football. I have as much athletic ability as a person with poor athletic abilities. Ok I’m bad at sports and analogies too. Regardless, there’s a new Chris Davis for Birmingham to adore and love. And of course, I can’t have that! If Sesame Street taught me anything, it’s that sharing is good. The rest of the world has taught me something else. ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!
I first thought, there can be only one!
Like the Highlander or a potato chip that looks like Jesus. I’ve had to share the spotlight with so many others of my kind since I was a kid. It’s been years since I’ve been around or aware of another. Why can’t they leave me alone? But then I stopped to think of my me, me, me mantra. How can I make this work for me? I don’t have to tell you that no one gets more respect than a college football player in this town. Just try doing anything that you want people to attend that fall on the same day as an Auburn or Alabama game. “What’s that? They’re going to reveal the secret of life, cure for cancer and who shot JFK Saturday? Wow! What time? 3:00 in the afternoon? Can’t make it.
The Alabama game is on then. Good luck with your secrets of life and stuff. ROLL TIDE!” I’ve actually known of people passing up a free trip to Europe because of a football game. I don’t remember who they were, but let’s just refer to them as the craziest freaking people I’ve ever heard of. But I’m crazy too.
Like a fox. I’m gonna ride this other Chris Davis’s coat tails and parlay it into as many perks as I can!
First, here are the similarities between me and Auburn me. We’re both Black males, 5 foot 11, and 175lbs. He’s 21, I’m 41. The similarities pretty much end right there. Unless he likes big bootied white girls too. If not, don’t worry Auburn Chris Davis. There will be plenty of time for that when you go pro. Ah tradition. Here are the differences.
He’s a young talented athlete and I’m some old hack comedian. But with age comes experience and knowledge. And I’m going to use that experience and knowledge to assume his identity whenever and wherever it can be beneficial to me! That’s right. From now on I will no longer be known as Chris Davis. Instead, I’ll be known as Chris Davis!
I’m looking forward to hearing those magical words every man wants to hear, “More hot wings and liquor Mr. Davis?” Restaurants love giving free food and drink to famous athletes. There’s just something great about having an Auburn cornerback in your bar or restaurant. I’d better learn what a cornerback is. I’m assuming it isn’t a quarterback who misbehaves and has to sit in the corner till the game is over. Whatever it is, I can’t wait to exploit my newfound cornerback status at the finest dining establishments in town. Look out Taco Bell, I’m gonna be knee deep in complimentary Chalupas!
Clothes make the man. I may have to spring for an Auburn jersey to look the part, but I’m going to rack up racks of tailored suits. Any tailor in town would be happy to have an accomplished fake athlete like me in their haberdashery. While they’re haberdashing my new threads, I’ll be spinning yarns of when I ran down the field and caught that ball and scored that point and blah blah blah. Before you know it, I’m a man about town with the spiffiest clothes that I didn’t pay one red cent for. Much like ex mayor Larry Langford, except without the stigma of never paying his bill. I’ll never be accused of not paying my clothing bill.
What clothing bill? HA!
Car dealerships will be so giddy when “Chris Davis” walks onto their lot. “I’d love to tell you guys more about the secret underground Krispy Kreme beneath Jordan-Hare Stadium, but Coach Chizik really wants me to find a reliable car to get to practice with, or it could cost us the Iron Bowl.” Before you know it, I’m cruising off the lot with a free, previously owned 2003 Kia. And I don’t even drive!
Boy, being Chris Davis instead of being Chris Davis is gonna be sweet. I’ll just have to convince my friends and family to help me keep up appearances so my cover doesn’t get blown. I’d hate to have all this hard work at being someone else for ill-gotten gains to go up in smoke.
And to those haters out there who think this is wrong, it’s not identity theft. It’s ingenuity!
Chris Davis (The funny one, not the athletic one)
“Here’s the thing…” is a weekly column featuring humor and commentary by Christopher Davis, comedian and host of Fresh Ground Comics and View of the City. Send your feedback to firstname.lastname@example.org.