Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Birmingham people wondered, how much would their stockings be crammed.
Those Black Friday purchases will soon be revealed. Like the used vitamins I bought on Craigslist. What a deal!
Children were nestled all snug in their beds While visions of Angry Birds danced in their heads. The Sony Playstation, we’ll soon be gathered round, While we play the latest game, Grand Theft Auto Hueytown.
All my shopping done at stores downtown, and they do appreciate it greatly Anything to keep me from losing my mind by going down Highway 280.
Now it is time for bed, where I am certain that I will sleep like a log With the help of my old friend Jack Daniels and some tasty Barbers Egg Nog.
But just then, on the roof I did hear, a crash, bang, boom and pow! Great, what has my stupid landlord gone and done wrong now? Is the ceiling caving in? Perfect! That makes one more thing he won’t fix But much to my surprise it wasn’t the ceiling, but it was old jolly St. Nick!
Oh my God Santa, you’re actually real?
You’re no half-assed mall Santa. You’re the real deal. But I heard you were fake. That’s why we never really see ya.
Santa said it’s just a plot by the liberal lame stream media.
That’s something Sarah Palin would say. Tell me, are you a fan?
She’s a hot milf who lives in the snow. What’s not to understand?
Well enough of this banter, just what brings you here? I need you to help me and my perplexed reindeer.
For fun I went in reverse alphabetical order. I simply couldn’t resist. Instead of Wyoming ending my journey, Alabama’s the last on my list. But I neglected to tell anyone. Including my stupid reindeer. Now they’re confused. It’s almost as if they were drunk on really cheap beer.
So your plan backfired and got the deer dizzy with fits?
They’re so turned around, you’ve made them all dyslexic.
I’ll help you spread cheer over Bama, fat man!
And the first stop will be right here in Birmingham.
Hey I’m not Fat! I’m big boned you see. But you look like a candidate for onset adult diabetes.
I appreciate the concern, but I’m only overweight just a tad.
Didn’t mean to offend Santa. Sincerely, my bad.
Before we begin, let’s give your reindeer code names.
It’s very cloak and dagger, besides the others were lame.
On Ensley, On Tarrant, On Mountain Brook! On Homewood, On Hoover, On Inglenook!
So from house to apartment we went, being careful not to get caught But by the time we got to Roebuck, I realized this is harder than I thought.
We’re gonna need some help Santa. He said nothing more would please us!
So I called on my friends at the organization known as Jews For Jesus.
We’re very sorry, Jews For Jesus said, we can’t help you chase the dream you’re after. You see, you’ve called our 1-800 number and we don’t have a Birmingham Chapter.
So I Called a Jewish, Muslim and atheist friend and said this trip would be cool.
All three said yes but of course they did. What the hell else do they have to do?
We were almost done, Santa and me and my newly recruited cohorts, But with several stops to go we realized, that we were a few bags short.
In my ass-backwards haste from the North Pole, I lost some bags Santa confessed. That’s okay Mr. Claus, we’ll pick up a few things. Now punch these into your GPS!
And punch Santa did, these Birmingham places. Nice going my jolly fat friend!
I said I’m not fat! Alright sorry for that. Let’s not get into this again.
Sauce from Dreamland, meat and three from Niki’s West and a slice of Cosmo’s Pizza, An Elvis box set from Charlemagne Records, and a cute tiny Vulcan Replica.
From theater tickets, to the Alabama Ballet, they’d suit a pauper or man of means Passes to see indie rock bands at Bottletree, complete with knit hat and skinny jeans.
So many things in Birmingham, to make up for the missing bags Santa schlepped Christmas was saved, Santa was happy and me and my friends all helped!
Santa thanked us all for helping save Christmas and headed to the Canadians.
And for all we did, he gave us each a case of organic, vegetarian, meatless venison.
Pleased with myself I went back inside to find not just one bottle of Jack, but three!
With a note from Santa that said Happy Holidays. A Christmas miracle indeed.
Christopher Davis
