I know I’m starting early. It’s just the first week of November. And the first week is only five days long on the calendar. It’s practically still Halloween! Nevertheless, I feel I should get a jump on Thanksgiving because soon, all the shopping malls around Birmingham will be displaying Christmas decorations. Christmas! They’re already displaying yuletide cheer from the Galleria to the Summit to even the Mexican grocery store near my house! Feliz Navi What?! I’ve barely awakened from my Halloween candy coma. By the way, I just wanted to say thanks to all who visited me in the hospital during my candy coma. Your cards, prayers and thoughts helped me get through it. That and the fact that my perspiration started to smell like candy corn. That’ll scare you straight every time. But poor Thanksgiving can’t stand a chance against the oncoming behemoth that is the Christmas holiday. Christmas is great, but please give turkey day it’s due. Just like some folks that don’t like their food to touch, I don’t want my peas to get mixed in with my gravy or my Baby Jesus to get mixed in with my Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Side note: people who go crazy if there food touches on their plate are stupid in the head and I don’t want your kind around me. I’m thankful I’m not one of those goofs. And being thankful is what this month is all about. So allow me to give thanks for a whole bunch of stuff in this week’s column.
In these difficult economic times, I’m thankful for the freelance design and part-time work where I get my money, and the glorious feeling of being untethered from a corporate job. Untethered is a fancy way of saying, “Hope I make rent this month”. You see, I was laid off from a major magazine publisher here in the sleepy hamlet of Birmingham City USA. June 5th, 2009, approximately 9:45 a.m. 82°, winds coming in from the east, with low barometric pressure of 20.90 inches to be exact. Not that I’m hung up on it mind you. Oh heavens no. I’m also thankful that many of my former co-workers and friends were laid off too. Why should I suffer alone? And I say this with the utmost respect to them and their out of work, ramen noodle eatin, broke asses. But so many of them are happy to be let go. Quite thankful you might say, as they embark on the new chapters in their lives. Even though we’re no longer employed, I give thanks to the fact that this is the rebirth of the renaissance person. Much like da Vinci, we’ll all become our own personal combination of artist, scientist, engineer and physician. Who knows, maybe that Dan Brown guy will write a book about one of our codes. No silly, not our zip codes. Entertainment vehicles based on zip codes can only be trusted to the mighty Aaron Spelling, may he rest in peace. Of course I know the concept of renaissance by another name. Hustler. I’ve been a hustler all my life! Worked in a hotel once where I was busboy, waiter, barrista, maītre de, and occasionally room service. I’m an old school hustler from way back. But now my hustling includes, starting the children’s books I’ve been wanting to do for years, paintings, t-shirt designs, improv and stand-up comedy and writing. Well what do you know, I’m doing that writing thing right now. And you’re reading it! Wow! But what I’m probably most thankful for in life is of course 5… 5 dollar... 5 dollar footlooooong. Half for lunch, half for dinner. Oh Cold Cut Trio on whole wheat, is there no magic you can’t do? In your face, fishes and loaves!
So you see, despite hardships and setback, this holiday season I’m full of good cheer. But I’m also full of myself, so let the blissful egotism begin!
These are a few of the things that I’m thankful for that make me so damn awesome:
• I’m thankful that I know all the words to Morris Day’s Jungle Love, including dance moves.
• I’m thankful that I’ve successfully avoided vomiting for the last 13 years. Personal best!
• I’m thankful that I’m kind of a bad ass. Yeah that’s right. I eat unicorns and crap rainbows!
• I’m thankful that I no longer cry as much as I used to when a lesbian is not interested in me.
• I’m thankful that I can save the second half of that 5 dollar foootlong til dinner time. What stamina!
• I’m thankful that once when I was on a date with this woman, who every 13 minutes kept texting someone obviously more interesting than me, that I refrained from sending her a text that read “Who the F*ck are you texting?”. My mama raised me right.
• I’m thankful that my imaginary friends are better than your kids’ imaginary friends. Isn’t that right Gary The Hasidic Merman? What’s that Gary? Oh you don’t speak Hebrew. Silly Gary, he’s such a mensch.
• And last but certainly not least, I’m thankful for my girlfriend, my friends, family, great ex-coworkers, my five god children, my awesome nephew (named after me I might add), my little brother Alexander through Big Brothers Big Sisters, hish great mom Audra, and of course, cheese grits, which make all things possible.
Love, Christopher Davis
P.S. Send me an email of what you’re thankful for. Specifically things that make you so awesome! Surely I can’t be the only awesome egomaniac in Birmingham. Yeah, I probably am.
“Here’s the thing…” is a weekly column featuring humor and commentary by Christopher Davis, comedian and host of Fresh Ground Comics and View of the City. Send your feedback to firstname.lastname@example.org.