Monday through Friday, I’m good with a bowl of cereal for breakfast. The Kashi kind preferably. Ooooh, look at me I’m healthy.
I’m also poor, so that Kashi alternative at the Aldi grocery store is pretty good too. By the way, if you haven’t tried Aldi, you should! It’s this cool German owned grocery store with very affordable and delicious food. I’m gonna take my broke ass down there this week, so meet me and we’ll shop like Eurotrash together. But I digress. Saturday morning, cereal and cartoons used to be the Holy Trinity of the weekend. Now that cartoons are on 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, it’s lost its charm. Instead of cereal on Saturday, I might grab a biscuit or something. But Sunday! Ah Sunday. That’s when you get to relax and enjoy the day with a leisurely, delicious brunch. Yea brunch!
If you don’t know what brunch is, I’ll explain. Today, brunch has been adopted into regular society by and for all types of people from every walk of life. Originally, it’s what rich, lazy, pretentious people with nothing better to do, would eat instead of breakfast because they woke up too late. But even the rich and powerful knew you can’t call breakfast, breakfast after 11:00 a.m. That would be anarchy! They were hungry, but didn’t want lunch. A ham on rye as the first meal of the day? How gauche! But what were they to do? They needed to escape the tyranny of breakfast and lunch being the only viable solutions to their hunger pains and overt shiftlessness. So they went to President Calvin Coolidge and it was decreed that breakfast and lunch would become one and would hence forth be known as The Sophisticate’s Repast. That proved to be too wordy so they just called it brunch.
Well I don’t know about you, but I’m a big fan of brunch! it’s great! Especially here in Birmingham. There is so much good food here on a daily basis and Sunday brunch is no exception. You can have everything from shrimp & grits, poached eggs, fresh fruit, quiche, salads, burritos, bacon, sausage and pancakes. Yes, you’d be hard pressed to not find something you’d enjoy for brunch around town. But there is something for brunch that I don’t enjoy. Something many of us don’t enjoy. And I’m glad I’m not alone in this. So excuse me while I ask a controversial question. Why do restaurants insist on having live musicians play during brunch at a decibel level of a 747 jet? I mean really!
Whether you’re religious or not, Sunday is the day of rest. It’s peaceful and relaxing and I’d like my brunch to be the same way. But most times you’ll here me scream, “Could you keep it down, I can’t hear my entree!” It’s Sunday brunch, not Bonnaroo! How can we enjoy our eggs benedict when the vibrations from the speakers have curdled the hollandaise sauce into yogurt. Note to self, approach Yoplait yogurt company with idea for hollandaise flavored yogurt.
Before you turn the amp up to 11, ala Spinal Tap, consider you’re surroundings.
A family just got out of church and are in their Sunday best. A group of friends that had a long night of partying, didn’t wake till 10:00 and have just enough energy to stare through their sunglasses at the menu. The couple who’ve been up since 8:00 for their your usual ritual of watching CBS Sunday Morning, walking the dog, doing the crossword puzzle, then heading on over for that good coffee and fruit plate they love so much. All these people gather. So different, but all coming together as one for the same reason. To scream at each other from two feet away because you’re playing too damn loud for them to hear what anyone is saying.
Yeah, I’m talking you, musicians.
Don’t get me wrong, I love live music and I love live music with my brunch. Just turn it down please. As you can plainly see, none of us are barefoot, covered in mud and stinking of patchouli. So maybe there’s a brunch at Burning Man you’d be more suited for. A nice acoustic guitar would be pleasant if it’s played quietly in the background. If you’re a mellow jazz trio, you are more than welcomed here. If you think Jimi Hendrix’s All Along The Watchtower would go great with my fruit cup, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
The tone of the music should fit, but if the volume doesn’t match, then you’re wasting your time and mine. Mostly mine. Ok, only mine. I’d even stick around for a fun Dixie Land brunch if it didn’t sound like a banjo was lodged in my inner ear. Sadly, there is no known cure for banjo ear. Banjo ear, the silent killer.
Really, most of the blame lies with the owner of the restaurant or brunchery if you will. All they have to say is keep it down, people are trying to eat. Maybe they don’t want to sound like an old fuddy duddy who does nothing but complain. Well allow me! Turn down that racket you kids! I remember when a soda was a quarter! In my day women didn’t wear pants! My hip! I got a million of em folks. So the next time you brunch, don’t be afraid to ask the proprietor to have the musicians turn it down a little. Musicians, restauranteurs and patrons alike can live in peace and harmony. It’s what Calvin Coolidge would have wanted.
“Here’s the thing…” is a weekly column featuring humor and commentary by Christopher Davis, comedian and host of Fresh Ground Comics and View of the City. Send your feedback to chris@bhamweekly.com.
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