I hate this time of year. The warm breezes turn into pleasant cool winds that relieve us from the Summer heat. I hate this time of year. The trees start their symphony of fall color, ending with a crescendo of vibrant reds, oranges, and glowing yellows. I hate this time of year. Soon there will be a harvest of delicious cool weather vegetables for healthy salads and mouthwatering dishes.
I hate this time of year.
Why do I hate this time of year?
Certainly not because of the previously stated things. Those things I love. I can’t wait for them. It’s just unfortunate that they happen at one of the times of year that I hate the most because of a certain disorder that afflicts people. No, I’m not talking about Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD for short. SAD is bouts of depression that occur usually during winter when it’s cold and there’s less sun. If you think you have it, get yourself some light therapy and I hope you feel better soon.
Alas, a couple of well placed lamps won’t help with the problem I want to get at today. The disorder I’m talking about is called Seasonal Temperature Understanding Problematic Incompetence Disorder, or STUPID for short. STUPID afflicts people who don’t realize that it was just hot a couple of days ago and all of a sudden it’s cold and that they should adjust the thermostat accordingly. Normally I sympathize and recognize when someone is suffering from something that causes them to have to operate differently in society. There should be more wheelchair accessibility in public places. Don’t park in the blue parking spaces unless you’re supposed to. Applaud companies that make tasty alternatives for sufferers of food allergies or diabetes. But people who suffer from STUPID are just plain stupid.
Here’s the thing. The summers here in our fair city can be unbearable. I heard someone exclaim once that it was hotter than Satan’s crotch. Though I have no insight into the current temperature of the inseam of the master of evil incarnate, I get what they meant. It’s pretty damn hot. So of course when it’s hot, we crank up the ac. I’m no stranger to that and my three bajillion dollar power bill will contest to it. We just went throughout the last day of summer and it got a lot cooler soon after. So like any sane person, when it’s suddenly cooler I turn the dial to a less cooler degree or just turn the damn thing off. Sounds simple right? Well simple couldn’t be further from the truth with people who suffer from STUPID. If you know anyone who is dealing with STUPID, you’re not alone. Millions of individuals and groups suffer from this debilitating disorder. I hope the following can help you better handle this problem that affects over three bajillion a year. Yes that’s a real number.
Although I can’t remember how many jillion make up a bajillion.
Let’s start with one of the greatest offenders. Restaurants! I haven’t often, but I’ve left restaurants because they were too cold. Not too long ago I was chillin with my peeps at a restaurant and immediately noticed two things. One, I don’t say chillin with my peeps nearly as much as I should.
And two, it was freezing! Here’s a word to the wise. When it’s 55° outside, it shouldn’t be 53° inside! Maybe you’re pulling a double shift and when you started work it was 83° outside, but excuse me “employee of the month”, it’s not anymore. Turn that thing down! I used to shy away from asking for things like that, but the customer is always right as they say. Then I thought back to my days as a waiter slash busboy. A customer was cold and asked if I could turn the ac down. I had my STUPID inoculation when I was a kid, so of course I went to the thermostat to do so. One of my fellow waiters said “Don’t turn that down. I’m hot cause I’m running around getting all these orders!” I agreed with her and said I wouldn’t turn it down.
As soon as she walked off, I did it anyway.
She never noticed and the customer was happy. Win win! Incidentally, I don’t think my former, fellow wait staffer suffered from STUPID. They were just being a big ol bitch.
Bars are just as bad. Especially the ones that are smokey and cold. Great, not only can I not feel my fingers, but I’m hacking up a frozen lung. Frozen lung is probably a delicacy in some foreign land, so excuse me if I just offended you and your countrymen and the weird shit you people eat. Some bars should be cold though. I was at the Nick on night and by night I mean 3:30 a.m. I was so cold and wanted to complain, but then I realized this was a good thing.
If you’ve been in the Nick, you know the cold keeps the undead creatures that dwell within in a dormant state. The creatures are made up mostly of bacteria, bad decisions and regret. God help us if the Nick’s ac goes out. The beasts that dwell underneath the pool tables and that swamp-like bathroom will awaken and wreak havoc on the city! We’re talking some Godzilla vs. Mothra shit!
Offices are the worst because they’re cold eleven and a half months out of the year. I’ve heard a rumor that companies keep their offices cold to keep employees awake and more productive. “How can I finish this report? Sure I type 60 words a minute, but my hands are shivering at 60 miles an hour. You do the math! No seriously, you do the math. My frostbite hurts when I try to use the calculator.” I worked at an office that was so cold and when I complained, the boss just said put on a sweater. So I said to him, “Yo mama can put on a sweater!” Oooooh no I didn’t!… No. I didn’t.
I think the STUPIDs I hate the most are movie theaters. You’d think these morons never heard of the weather channel. It’s weather with it’s own damn channel! I can easily walk out of a bar or restaurant, but it takes an act of God to get me to walk out of a movie that I paid good money to see. So I try to stick it out. But I’m stuck there for two hours! Every ten minutes I’m thinking, maybe it’s not that cold. Perhaps if I take my jacket off and put it on top of me like a blanket, and press my hands against my sides where all my toasty internal organs are, and scrunch down in the seat, put my feet up to keep my body heat from escaping and if all else fails, set the empty seat in front of me on fire. And to the 17 year old kid with the vest, clip-on bowtie, flashlight and false sense of superiority, don’t lie to me when you say you’re going “check on it” when I ask about adjusting the thermostat. You’re in back laughing with your friends about the old man who’s complaining about the cold. I am not old! You shut up!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get a sherpa guide, some sled dogs and a parka. I hear there’s a new Olive Garden in town and I can’t wait to try it.
“Here’s the thing…” is a weekly column featuring humor and commentary by Christopher Davis, comedian and host of Fresh Ground Comics and View of the City. Send your feedback to email@example.com.