To quote Mighty Mouse, “Here I come to save the day!” Birmingham, like many cities across America, has it’s good days and it’s bad. I want to help. I can help. And I will help! Sometimes Birmingham is against the ropes and other times it administers a knockout punch.

Take, for instance, the Sidewalk Film Festival last weekend. It was great. Every year it gets better, and every year I have more fun. There was something for everyone, and it brought people from all walks of life together. Take, for instance, the opening night film. It was a fun horror flick called The Innkeepers. You wouldn’t normally think a horror film could be a cultural experience that tran scends race, but it was. On screen there were white people going where they had no business going, and sitting behind me were black people saying “Don’t go in there girl!” But as great as the film festival and so many other local events and attractions are, sometimes Birmingham needs an extra boost. That’s where I come in.

Since none of you wrote in my name to be elected mayor last week, I can’t help you in any official city government capacity. I got the idea I wasn’t going to win when no one showed up to congratulate me at my campaign headquarters. And by campaign headquarters, I mean my one-bedroom apartment. Mayor or not, I can do my part as a private citizen to help out my fellow B-Hammers. Hey, look there! I’ve just coined a new nickname for people who live in Birmingham. I just hope no one thinks it’s a tool for smashing bumble bees.

First, let’s address the city’s health and well-being. According to the Center For Disease Control, there has been a recent outbreak of syphilis in Jefferson County. Fortunately, through education and protection, the disease is more under control.

The CDC also found that, like residents in Kentucky, Missisippi and Oklahoma, many of us are less likely to be physically active at leisure time. A lot of us exercise all the time and are pretty fit, but many don’t ever want to exercise or do any physical activity. I completely understand. When my syphilis is acting up, I don’t want to get up off the couch. “Oh, what’s that, fellas? You want me to come outside for a game of flag football. Sorry, guys, no can do. My syphilitic blindness and insanity is acting up something fierce. Maybe next week?” Take advantage of all the many gyms and rec centers. There are so many outdoor groups: kickball leagues, softball teams, cycling clubs and hiking groups. And, of course, a pleasant stroll through Railroad Park doesn’t hurt. Hope those suggestions help.

As far as the syphilis outbreak, I have a simple way to stop it. Outlaw time machines! Because someone in town is obviously traveling to the 1940s to have unprotected sex and bringing that stuff back here. Cut it out, you promiscuous time-traveler. Or, to put it in ‘40s slang terms, you’re cooking with gas with this time-travel kid, but don’t flip your wig and make time with some dizzy dame just cause she’s the bees knees. Maybe I sound like an old fuddy duddy, but put on a raincoat brother, before you get in cahoots with some sharecropping chickie! Now take a powder, fat-head, and none of your gobbledygook!

Hey B-Hammers, do you like family fun? Of course, you do. I said you do, dammit! Early this month, my girlfriend, her family and I went to Alabama Adventure, the water theme park in Bessemer. We had lots of fun. In case you didn’t know, the owners of Alabama Adventure are considering selling it. With the extreme summer heat and sluggish economy, attendance has been down this year. Speaking of water, the Birmingham Water Works Board (BWWB) is having its own H2O related troubles as well. BWWB is facing the danger of bankruptcy, with approximately $3.2 billion in debt. I’ll never again complain about the $15,000 I still owe in student loans. Who am I kidding, of course I will. But have no fear, Chris Davis is here. When life hands you lemons, buy lemon-flavored drink. Save that real citrus for some lemon drop martinis. In my infinite wisdom, I have come up with a solution for both institutions. Combine the two!

WELCOME TO BIRMINGHAM WATER WORKS ADVENTURE PARK AND MUNICIPAL PAVILLION!!! This superduper sewer has it all! Enjoy attractions like THE HALL OF WATER TREATMENT, where you take a log flume through the process of how Birmingham keeps its water so clean. Open wide! Here comes the flouride cannon! THE FLUSH RUSH, where you dive into the simulated toilet bowl and get flushed from one part of the park to the next. You can even pay your utility bill at the same counter you buy funnel cakes. Now that’s a theme park. Shut up, Six Flags!

Last but not least, our ever-growing immigration problem. Governor Robert Bentley has made headlines for two things. First, stating that if you’re not a Christian, you aren’t his brother or sister. Second, signing off on what some people are calling the toughest illegal immigration law in the country. Jews, Muslims, Buddhists and agnostics, that’s one less cheesy family reunion t-shirt you have to print. As far as the immigration law goes, here’s what I, Chris Davis can do to make things all better. Absolutely nothing. I think it’s about time we had a law this tough and extreme. Because let’s face it, for years there has been an illegal influx of a certain group of people, from a certain country that have truly worn out their welcome. And that group of people is French Canadians. Those dirty, dirty French Canadians! They’ve been sneaking over here as long as I can remember, with their baguettes, baked brie and those black and white, horizontally striped shirts. Screw you, Pierre! You and your beret. Why don’t you wear a regular, American, Christian hat, like Jesus did. I can’t tell you how many jobs I’ve applied for as turnip picker or busboy, and there was Frenchy McFroglegs swooping in and taking it right out from under me. Sacré bleu, y’all! I certainly hope this doesn’t affect the large group of Mexican immigrants I know who are here illegally. The law is the law, I know, and it should be adhered to. Guess you can’t make an omelette without cracking a few huevos. I wish there was a plan in place for some sort of amnesty. Something making illegal aliens accountable to the law, yet giving them the opportunity to legally become residents, but at the same time lessening new illegal immigration across the board. Unfortunately, there’s only so much even I, the great and powerful Chris Davis, can do.

Well, there you have it. Once again, I’ve saved the day. Until next time, stay fit, no time traveling, wear a condom, don’t hurt bees, pay your student loans, enjoy a martini, drink lots of water, you must be this high to ride the Flush Rush, hate French Canadians and hug a Mexican.

You’re welcome, Birmingham.

“Here’s the thing…” is a weekly column featuring humor and commentary by Christopher Davis, comedian and host of Fresh Ground Comics and View of the City. Send your feedback to chris@bhamweekly.com.