SO MANY HEADLINES, SO FEW CHARACTERS

What a week to reintroduce one’s self to Twitter.

When the micro-blogging trend achieved white-hot heat back in 2008, I was there. I set up an account and went about the oft-tedious process of marketing myself in 140 characters or less. It didn’t take long, however, for me to lose interest; by the beginning of 2010, I was barely tweeting at all.

Before last week, however, I got the itch to tweet again—the twitch, if you will—and I revived the old handle. So follow me @hoopermatt, please. I’ll make it worth your while.

Anyway, the service came in handy in a big way in the days that followed, as I suddenly found myself re-overwhelmed by a treasure trove of news I could use. And, like any good twit would, I’m retweeting that news to my followers.(That’s you.)

RT @everyone OMG! EARTHQUAKE IN D.C.!!!!

A magnitude 5.8 earthquake on Aug. 23—actually fairly substantial on the ol’ Richter scale—unleashed a tsunami of Twitter-panic from Cleveland to New York and from D.C. to Anniston Ala. Seriously, @AnnistonStar reported that locals felt the quake, which occurred just after lunch and originated out of northern Virginia. It caused little real damage, save for a small crack in the Washington Monument that everyone is panicking about. (Hey, it matches the Liberty Bell now.) @HuffPost tweeted that televangelist Pat Robertson thinks the crack is a “sign of the times,” wink. OK, then.

RT @AnnistonStar Police officer shot in Anniston.

We were shocked and saddened to hear of the death of Anniston police officer Justin Sollohub on August 24. The 27-year-old was shot and killed in the line of duty while chasing a suspect in a well-populated city neighborhood. Later that day, 24-year-old Joshua Russell was arrested in connection with the shooting.

RT @Reuters Apple’s Steve Jobs resigns

Techies, like animals in advance of the D.C. quake, must have felt a strange energy disturbance in the minutes leading up to the business news announcement of the year: Steve Jobs is stepping down as CEO of Apple—the one company in the world that is actually, legitimately, cool as hell. In related news, Tim Cook, Job’s protege and an Auburn University graduate, will take over the reins of the company that gave us the visionary iMac, iBook, iTunes, iPod, iPhone and iPad. No pressure, Tim... right?

RT @jilldlawrence The Awkwardness Olympics

We were privy to a fascinating piece from The Daily Beast’s Jill Lawrence on how John Kerry and Mitt Romney are vying to be the two most awkward folks to ever run for president, at least in modern times. (She cites another New Englander, Calvin Coolidge...who was the Mitt of his day when it came to working a room.) We learned that Kerry once offered the author a large-sized jacket because, as the candidate put it, she was “not was not as small as [her] seatmate.” Yikes. Way to work the ladies there, Johnny. We also learned that the whole who-caressed-my-buttocks ploy from Mitt Romney’s New Hampshire diner stop (check my archives) was just the foreword of the Mitt Romney joke book. Lawrence reports that Romney told “a restaurant owner that she should serve her eggs with Hollandaise sauce in hubcaps, ‘because there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.’” Yes, he really said that. Really? Really!

RT @Drudge_Report Mennonite’s Goshen College bans national anthem because it’s too violent

On Twitter, you always want to be part of a trending story and, boy, this was trending late last week for sure. Tiny Goshen College, a small private school in Indiana, has banned the national anthem prior to sporting events, opting instead for “America the Beautiful.”

Why? Well, they say the national anthem is too violent for the traditionally pacifist school to handle. Really?

RT @TPM Crouching Tiger, Hidden Biden

A recent photo gallery from talkingpointsmemo.com is a pictorial essay of Vice President Joe Biden’s recent Asian tour. It features, in order: Joe Biden shooting a bow and arrow; Joe Biden presenting a camel; Joe Biden having some sort of Samurai tea party; Joe Biden giving the Prime Minister of Mongolia a vice-presidential baseball cap; Joe Biden side-hugging a frightened-looking Asian man; Joe Biden insisting that the Chinese vice president go first; Joe Biden toasting someone (oh God!); Joe Biden laughing among a group of sullen men; Joe Biden accepting flowers from a little girl; Joe Biden waving from Air Force Two.

It’s the greatest collection of photographs...maybe ever.

RT @darrenrovell Tennessee football motto supposed to say “Now Here” looks like “Nowhere”

If you’re not following @darrenrovell from CNBC, you should be. He’s a dandy tweeter, and what’s more, he tweets about interesting stuff related to business, sports and sports business. Without a doubt, my favorite Rovell tweet of the week was about the University of Tennessee’s football locker room doors, which were covered with an inspiration mural to fire up the players as they made their way onto the playing surface at Neyland Stadium. The phrase “Opportunity is Now Here”—already awkwardly worded—quickly morphed into “Opportunity is NOWHERE” when applied to the door, since the two halves of the mural were stuck too close together. All in all, a pretty apt metaphor for the program these days, but it would have been so much sweeter if Lane Kiffin were still the head coach.

Finally...

RT @hoopermatt There’s a woman at the pharmacy in Columbiana with an impressive goatee. I can’t grow one like that and I’m a grown man.

I was at a pharmacy in Columbiana on Thursday, picking up a bottle of water before a football game and, BOOM:

Woman with a goatee. It wasn’t like a goatee goatee, rather a thick undergrowth beneath her jaw. I couldn’t snap a picture, for obvious reasons (Hey, lady, tilt your head back in the light so I can Twitpic your beard!) but trust me, it was a woman and it was a goatee.

Actually, stories like this are why I stopped tweeting in the first place.

Oh well, OMG!! BEARDED WOMAN, LOL! #awesome

“PolySigh” is a weekly political column by Matt Hooper. Send your feedback to hooper@bhamweekly.com.

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Tales from Twitter

SO MANY HEADLINES, SO FEW CHARACTERS

What a week to reintroduce one’s self to Twitter.

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