Well, lucky for you, I have some tips, insight and info on career opportunities in the Magic City, little job gems that may tickle your unemployed fancy. If you decide to use this valuable info, by all means be aggressive. Don’t be an opportunist, be an opportunitaker. Don’t ask for that job, take it. Go out there and punch that job in the face! What did you say to me, job? You mouthin’ off at me? Splow! Right in the solar plexus. That’ll teach you to ignore me in high school. Again, my delusional raving can pop up anywhere. Alright, let’s do this!
ATTITUDE: When I was laid off a couple years ago from my job of 10 years, it was with mixed emotions. The recession was just beginning, and downsizing had begun. To help in the facilitation of these downgrades and layoffs, our parent company in New York sent a bat-shit British dame who was a total bitch all the way from England. This was most effective in achieving one particular thing. It turned me into one of those narrow-minded Southerners who hate Yankees and foreigners. Thanks for coming down to teach us how to wear shoes and stop screwing our cousins. A good attitude helped me get over that and move on to other great things. St. Vincent’s Health System is looking for a physical therapist. Have a good attitude when you apply.
VERSATILITY: Be a jack-of-all trades. Doing one thing isn’t enough these days. If you’re good at one, then be good at seven. Or if you’re only good at one, just say you’re good at seven and, as my friend Doug says, “Fake it till you make it.” Just don’t blow up anything or be indirectly responsible for maiming someone. ALTEC is looking for welders. If you only got as far as a dance minor in junior college, go rent the movie Flashdance and you’ll be on your way. What a feeling!
PRIDE: Pride is for suckers. It never got me anywhere. It’s hard sometimes, but don’t assume you’re too good for a particular job. Guess what? You’re not. The Birmingham News is looking for paper carriers.
JOBS WITH IMPRESSIVE TITLES: ITAC Solutions is looking for a Lead Analyst of Policy & Procedures Documentation. I don’t know what the hell that is, but it sounds impressive.
That’s just a taste. You’re on your own now. C’mon, I can’t hold your hand through the entire process. Go out there and get ‘em, tiger! No, that’s not an Auburn football reference. Can’t a man speak of giant jungle cats without it turning into a competition? Sheesh! Now, I’ve checked the local classifieds and job boards, and there seem to be several good listings. I have yet to find the following employment opportunities, but just because I didn’t see them, doesn’t mean they aren’t out there. If they aren’t, then this would be a perfect opportunity for some vibrant young go-getter to become quite the entrepreneur. The following jobs should exist in any major metropolitan city like ours, and it’s a damn shame if they don’t.
1. Cock Fight Referee. When it’s 3:45 a.m. and there are a couple of Rhode Island Reds going toe-to-toe, you’ll be there to keep the peace! Perks include all the feathers you can carry home afterwards.
2. Former Mayor Larry Langford Tribute Artist. Fun at children’s parties, ribbon cuttings, Quinceañeras and, of course, Bar Mitzvahs. You haven’t become a real man till you’ve read from the Torah as a moustachioed Larry-a-like stares you down from the knish table. L’Chaim!
3. Vulcan Bootyshine. A bootyshine is like a bootblack, except instead of polishing boots, they polish hineys. What, you thought Vulcan’s ass got that lustrous sheen by accident. Wax and repeat!
4. Civil War Reenactor Reenactors. Anybody can reenact the Civil War, but only a true Southerner can reenact the reenactment. If your head is hurting just trying to understand this concept, then this job is probably not for you.
5. Flying Bingo Barge Captain. Gambling is illegal in the state, but not above it! Why sail a boat out into international waters to avoid gambling restrictions, when you can grab a few bingo machines, load them onto a hydrogen-filled dirigible and be off?
6. Sasquatch Hunter. Ruffner Moutain and Oak Mountain are wonderful places to visit, full of nature trails, beautiful views and majestic wildlife, but no one wants their day ruined by a Sasquatch. Big Foot? More like Big Jerk!
7. Full-time Trader Joe Activist. Seriously. One downtown would be so awesome. Come on, already. Seriously, come on!
8. Light Rail Operator. Must be experienced in operating light rail and subway systems. Please bring resume, references and up-to-date operator’s license. Apply to the transit authority in the year 2073.
9. Micro-Brewery Impresario. Qualifications: Must be able to happily promote the tasty beers produced in Birmingham’s local breweries. Comes with top hat and sash.
10. American Idol Training Camp Administrator. We’ve proven that Birmingham’s chief export is American Idol winners, so let’s start a camp to crank out even more. All we need is a little DNA from Reuben Studdard and Taylor Hicks, then let the cloning begin. Souuul Patrol!!!
There you have it. I’ve provided quite the service to you, haven’t I? It feels good to give back to the community. Full disclosure, I have not been asked to, or been compensated in any way, for mentioning any of the job listings in this article. I just saw them, now I’m telling you. You’re welcome, and good luck. Now I’m off to the floating bingo barge. All aboard for the S.S. Milton McGregor! Wheeee!
“Here’s the thing…” is a weekly column featuring humor and commentary by Christopher Davis, comedian and host of Fresh Ground Comics and View of the City. Send your feedback to chris@bhamweekly.com.
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