SHA is being touted as a southern version of The Bachelorette. Great, a shittier version of something shitty. Now, to clarify for those who don’t know what CMT is. CMT is short for Country Music Television. CMT used to show country music videos and other fine country music programming. Now they only show videos from 4 a.m. to 9 a.m., so unless you’re an early bird, insomniac or newborn baby with the colic, you won’t get the Lady Antebellum or Brooks & Dunn that you crave so dearly. CMT, like MTV and VH1, sold out a long time ago when it comes to music videos. Videos in the early morning, then 14 straight hours of VH1’s Brett Michael’s Rock of Herpes or MTV’s The Real World where seven strangers are picked to live in a house. A black guy, a gay guy and five drunken sluts. MTV should really stand for Mostly Tits and Vagina. Thanks Jersey Shore!
Programming note: Brighthouse cable, to my surprise, doesn’t carry CMT anymore. If you live in Birmingham, Bessemer, Hueytown or sections of Hoover and Center Point, you may not get CMT. So if you really want to watch SHA, you’re gonna have to visit your friends “over the mountain,” as they say in Vestavia. I must say, I’m not too surprised CMT is airing SHA. It airs a show called, Texas Women. I don’t know what it’s about, but I’m guessing it’s about women from, in and or around Texas. I’m just guessing. I’m not smart enough to decipher the cryptic title of this show. I’m not a rocket doctor.
SHA stars 20-year-old University of Alabama student, Devin Grissom. She’s a perky, cute girl just looking for love in this crazy mixed up world. She has to pick from twenty eligible bachelors. But here’s the twist! Ten are from the South and ten are from the North! WOW!! Who produced this show, M. Night Shyamalan? Bruce Willis is a Ghost! I’m sure it’s your typical roster of bachelors: the funny one, the jock, the hot head, the shy one and the one who just hasn’t figured out that he’s gay yet. If I may quote a popular phrase, “It gets better.” For the gay guy I mean, not people who want quality programming. No, it doesn’t get better. It gets worse. But can a boy from up North come down South and charm this lovely Alabama belle? Well here is where it gets interesting. The star of Sweet Home Alabama is not from Alabama! She’s from Tennessee! Tennessee is in the South for sure, but a girl from Tennessee as the love interest of a reality show called Sweet Home Alabama? Heresy! She might as well be Russian! Nice try Devin. Get back on your Tennessee walking horse, comrade, and go back to Memphis and eat some stroganoff and vodka like you people do. Say “Hi!” to Elvis and Gorbachev while you’re there. What a country!
Devin has ambition. She says “It’s every southern girl’s dream to find that perfect someone and get married.” I guess northern, eastern and western girls just want a dog that won’t shed too much and a rent-controlled apartment. What do you non-southern girls want? Tell me please! Inquiring southern minds want to know! But let’s get back to Devin, who’s dreams we have established are more important than our own. She may be a nice girl who really is just looking for true love and maybe 3 out of 20 of these guys are too. Maybe. I don’t know them. I have nothing personal against them, but they are part of a bigger problem. It takes a while to find out who you are before you try to become part of something bigger. Rush jobs are for getting something printed at Kinkos, not love. And certainly not when you’re 20. I’m not saying just because you’re 20 you don’t know your head from a hole in the ground, but odds are when it comes to love, you don’t.
There are people who watch these kinds of shows without the slightest tinge of irony, but with genuine interest. You’re part of the problem too. But not me! That’s right, I’ve never seen an episode. I’m proudly judging this book by its proverbial cover! You might say it isn’t fair to judge the show until I’ve watched it. Don’t give me any of that “walk a mile in his moccasins” crap. Like the old saying goes, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck then it’s probably a terrible show full of goofy people that appeals to the lowest common denominator. I guess the main reason I’m not going to watch SHA, is because I don’t hate my eyes and ears. By the way, if you haven’t guessed by now, this is not my idea of “Must See TV”. In fact, I’m going to go so far as to say this: You’re probably thinking it’s hyperbole when I say “I hope the earth swallows whole the entire cast and production crew.” Well, it’s not. I’m actually wishing for the biblical level of divine intervention, where God up above is so enraged his wrath literally opens the ground and sends everyone plummeting to the center of the earth. That means you too craft services! Afterwards, the angels will rejoice and their tears of joy will turn into a light rain that will sparkle in the bright sun, giving way to the most glorious of rainbows. As it says in the Bible, those who live by the hackneyed reality show premise, die by the hackneyed reality show premise.
“Here’s the thing…” is a weekly column featuring humor and commentary by Christopher Davis, comedian and host of Fresh Ground Comics and View of the City. Send your feedback to email@example.com.