Sarah Palin: Good news, Lipstick! Sean Hannity just called and he wants me on the show Sunday! Isn’t that great?!
Lipstick (her pit bull): That’s awesome, Sarah. Awesome.
SP: He just faxed the questions he’s going to ask over to me. Ya know, that’s real journalism right there, Lipstick. No secrets. Not like the lamestream media, right?
Dog: The only twit bigger than you is Sean Hannity. You know that right?
SP: I’ve got to write up some good lines for the show this weekend. Something about...America, and why it’s just so darn awesome.
Dog: Sounds charming.
SP: Lipstick, do you think I should run for president?
Dog: Oh dear God, not this again.
SP: It’s just, ya know, I had that Barry O’lbermann beat back in 2008. Had his rear-end beat, don’tcha know! Undefeated, just like the movie!
Dog: Sarah, you lost in an electoral landslide.
SP: Remember Lipstick? I was Bill Ayers-in’ him from the right and Jeremiah Wright-in’ him from the left...
Dog: I mean, the guy got 365 electoral votes. That’s an amazing margin of victory at a time when our country was deeply polarized, politically speaking.
SP: Then I called him a celebrity. Remember Lipstick, remember mama calling ol’ Barrett O’Barr a celebrity? Haha! Paris Hilton was there.
Dog: And consider the 2004 map! My goodness, Kerry only managed what, 251 votes and 19 states? Obama pulled in NINE ADDITIONAL STATES! That’s crazy...and in just four years? Not to mention he was the first mainstream black candidate to ever run for the office!
SP: Did ya know that John McCain can only raise his arms to here? I didn’t know that the first time I met up with him. I tried to give him a high-five and he left me hangin’! I thought, “Ya know, how rude of him to fly me all the way out to Mexico and ask me to be his co-president and this guy won’t even give me a high-five?” That’s pretty lamestream if you ask me, right?
Dog: And you actually think that you can beat Barack Obama? What on earth would make you think you can do that? I mean, you ran that ridic ulous celebrity ad on him in 2008, and now you— an enormous, self-serving celebrity—are going to run against him and not even acknowledge the hypocrisy? All you’ve done since the election is write saccharin books, star in reality TV shows and plaster yourself all over Fox News’ egregious programming lineup. You’re no better than the other reality-show dregs who wrestle in the slop for fleeting fame and fortune.
SP: Hey, Lipstick, how would you like to live in the White House? Huh? The WHITE HOUSE!! That’s where the President lives, don’t ya know?
Dog: I mean, you’re like Geraldo Rivera running for president! You’ve got no credibility, no gravitas...all you do is spout ridiculous Tea Party cliches and oppose every blessed thing that the other side champions.
SP: You could run around on the White House lawn...
Dog: You don’t even take the time to examine things before you formulate an opinion. You just find out if the left supports it or not, and then you support it or decry it based solely on that!
SP: You could do your business on mean, ol’ Michelle’s god-less-vegetarian-Communism garden...would you like that? Huh, Lipstick!! Would you like that??!!
Dog: You’re not just a sideshow or a political novelty—you’re really, really dangerous. You’re completely ignorant about the amount of power you have, and you wield it with such reckless disregard for what’s best for the party you represent and the country as a whole.
SP: Mean ol’ Michelle Alabama and her telling our AMERICAN kids that they don’t haven’t the right to eat good American food when they feel like it! That’s so un-patriotism, Lipstick. I say, let the free market decide everyone’s metabolism rate. The government shouldn’t be regulating that! No way! You betcha. I’ll have every kid suckin’ down high fructose corn syrup...because it’s good for the farmers, doggone it.
Dog: I hate you.
SP: Oh Lipstick, you’re a good boy. I can’t wait for you to poop all over that socialist’s melon patch! Going to get that mean ol’ Michelle...I’m going to replace that garden with a coal-fired Hardees restaurant.
“PolySigh” is a weekly political column by Matt Hooper. Send your feedback to email@example.com