(A hypothetical scenario that may or may not happen to any politico, local or otherwise. There’s no actual evidence that these conversations ever took place...but we sure hope they did.)
FBI Agent: And we just tape this to the chest like so and...there. You’re all set.
Senator Gleason: Wow, cool! Am I on? Hellllllooooo...Helllllloooo...Hellllllooooooooo. This is Senator Gleason with the news. Our top story, I’m wearing a wire for the FBI.
FBI: Uh...hmmm...probably not in your best interest to say things like that out loud. And technically you are not “on” just yet. Here’s the process: Every time you find yourself entering into a conversation pertaining to the matter at hand, you need to reach into your pants pocket here and press the button on the recorder. Then everything you and the other parties say will be recorded. When you press it again, the recording stops.
Senator: Press this button?
FBI: Yes, that button.
Senator: Not this button?
FBI: There is no other button.
Senator: Then what is this?
FBI: That would be your pants button.
FBI: OK. So that’s the process. It’s pretty self explanatory, not especially complex. Questions?
Senator: Yes. What if something happens that I don’t want to record?
FBI: Mr. Gleason, we went over that. Just press the button to stop recording.
Senator: But you said press the button to start recording?
FBI: Yes, I did bu-
Senator: Do you mean press this button to stop recording?
FBI: Leave your pants button alone!
Senator: I just don’t understand.
FBI: facepalm Look, Senator, one button controls everything. It’s like a...it’s like a light switch. You’ve seen a light switch, right? You flip a switch to turn on the lights in your house and then you use the same light switch to turn the lights back off?
Senator: We have a Clapper.
FBI: You have a what?
Senator: A Clapper! Got it at a yard sale, it’s the damndest thing you ever did see. As soon as “Murder She Wrote” goes off, then it’s—clap,clap— lights out! Damndest thing you ever did see!
FBI: You mentioned that, yes.
Senator: I like them yard sales.
FBI: Yeah, they’re pretty...pretty good. But anyway, to answer—
Senator: You know what else they got at them yard sales?
FBI: What, sir?
Senator: Got some purty women! Tank tops and short shorts in the summertime...you know what I’m sayin?
FBI:I’ve got the jist of it, yes—
FBI: OK...we’ve...we’ve let this go far enough...to answer your original question, you just-
Senator: Push the button to start recording?
FBI: Yes, and then—
Senator: What if I have to use the little Senators room?
FBI: Push the button again to stop.
Senator: What if I’m having carnal relations with my significant other?
Senator: Believe me, you don’t want to hear that! You know what I’m sayin’? Huh?!
FBI: That goes without saying, sir. You would simply just push—
FBI: Yes, I—
Senator: What if I’m having carnal sin with someone other than my significant other? wink
Senator: I’m just joshin’ ya, I ain’t got no other woman.
FBI: Good for you, sir, but any potentially embarrassing conversations or scenarios will never see the light of day if you just push–
Senator: What if I want to make a–how do you say it–derogatory expression of myself about minorities?
FBI: Excuse me?
Senator: You know, if I got to jawin’ about black people. Started callin’ them things and such?
FBI: I, I don’t understand why you would–
Senator: Sometimes my buddies get together and, man, we get to talkin’ and sometimes, man...well, you know?
FBI: I’m afraid I don’t.
Senator: Well, probably won’t happen. If it does, I’ll keep my finger on the button...wink
Flash forward one year later to a courtroom at the state capital. The court has just heard a recording of Sen. Gleason wherein he refers to some of his black constituents as, well, something unflattering.–
Just an ol’ country defense attorney: Senator, do you deny making those statements?
Senator: Well, I guess...guess I can’t deny it.
DA: Senator, if I may speak freely...I just...I mean, I know I’m defending the other guy, but someone has to say it...you know that you were trying to incriminate the defendant, right?
Senator: Yes sir.
DA: Well then, Senator...why in the hell didn’t you just turn off the recorder in your pocket before you called those black folks a bunch of...well, you know?
Senator: I pressed the button sir. I pressed the fire out of it!
DA: You pressed the button?
Senator: Yes sir, this button here!
DA: Your pants button?
Senator: sobbing AND IT DOESN’T WORK!