Choose your own “adventure”!

Do not read this article straight through! This is a special article that allows you, the reader, to influence the outcome while living a life as close to the crippling ennui that is “J’Mel” as possible! Hosannahs!

So, just read the first section then go where the adventure takes you! Being J’Mel has never been so easy—and emotionally painless!

Now, don’t cheat by skipping ahead and ruin one of the over 100 endings for yourself! The fun is in seeing if you can reach each one—honestly! So, off to adventure!

START:

Morning! What a beautiful day! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you couldn’t be happier. Well, you could be. But it won’t happen. Hey!? What’s that smell? Uh oh! You need to do laundry! You could just wait until tomorrow, though. If you wait, you have more time for adventure! Hmm…

YOU DO LAUNDRY (go to 6)

YOU WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW (go to 5)

6. Yup, better do laundry! You collect enough drawers and black t-shirts to make it until next weekend, and make your way to the dark and spooky laundry room. As you unlock the door, you close your eyes and say a little prayer that you won’t have to move anyone else’s clothes. The last time you had to do that, you saw more skid marks than you normally prefer in a ladies’ underthings.

You start to load the washer, and notice something in the bottom of the washer. It’s a pirate’s map! Boy, with this you could finally find some booty…both kinds! Hell, with enough treasure, you’d never need to wear clean underwear again. On the other hand, the map could be a fake—like the moon landing. It’s a tough choice.

SCREW THE LAUNDRY! (go to 7)

PIRATES ARE TOTALLY LAME (go to 4)

7. “Screw the laundry!” you yell, and start out on your voyage for adventure. You go back to your apartment and pack up all your essentials: duct tape, butterfly knife, fake passport, nylon rope, and water based lubricant! But there is one thing you forgot—breakfast! You can’t go on a pirate adventure without the most important meal of the day! You check the cabinets and soon discover that you haven’t been shopping in weeks! You could eat a can of corn or order a pizza in a few hours when they start delivering, but that would take away precious treasure hunting time. Damn it, it’s always something.

BITE ME, BREAKFAST! I WANT ADVENTURE! (go to 3)

BETTER WAIT AND EAT (go to 8)

10. You suddenly realize that your apartment is full of pirate ghosts—although, upon further inspection you realize that it’s a bunch of drag queens covered in flour. “

A map in the laundry room led us here!” says the drag queen dressed like Barbara Bush, “And as long as we’re here, we’re having a dance party! Join us!” You might as well. Oddly enough, dancing around with a bunch of drag queens is only the third gayest thing you’ll do today. Figuratively, of course.

Someone pops in a Madonna cassette, and you drink until the urge to cry has left you. THE END

4. Pirates schmirates. You hate them more than you hate unicorns, and you %$#@ing despise unicorns. After waiting two hours for those cheap dryers to dry your underwear, you finally have clean clothes. Too bad you have nowhere to go.

You smoke a pack of Newports, and wish that you’d gone to technical school. But you didn’t. So let it go. You’re still young… generally speaking. Time for a drink.

TEQUILA AND NESQUIK (go to 9)

VODKA AND POWERADE (go to 10)

EVERYTHING IN ONE CUP (go to 11)

3. Who needs breakfast when you have money! You strike out and follow the map for hours—past the plastic house, and the animal fountain, and the big clock. As you make your way through Five Points South, you notice an Amazonian woman all tattooed up, and wearing a very short skirt. She is tall, even without the six inch heels; you’d only have an inch difference in your heights. She’s curvy, beautiful and blonde and seems like the sort that would hang out around guys the complete opposite of you. Why can’t you have a cool, alt-living tattooed girl? As you ditch your quest and begin to follow her down the street you wonder if she’s wearing any—HELLO! No underwear!

Now, that’s the best treasure of all! THE END

8. Yeah, it’s probably best if you eat. Who knows what crazy situations you could get yourself into on the search for cursed pirates’ treasure? You decide that you’ll have a double pepperoni with parmesan alfredo sauce and some cinnamon sticks.

When the food finally arrives, you gulp it all down and chase it with two liters of Diet Coke. Now that you’re nice and full of a nutritious breakfast, you’re ready to set out for adventure! But wait, should you leave your laundry in the laundry room? Besides being a very stupid idea, it’s just plain rude to anyone else that may need the machine. You’ve waited this long for adventure; you can wait 10 more minutes and get your laundry…

But the idea of that treasure is calling you!

Decide, fat boy!

YOU CAN BUY NEW LAUNDRY WITH ALL THOSE STOLEN GOLD COINS! (go to 2)

DON’T BE A DICK. MOVE YOUR DRAWERS (go to 1)

2. Who needs old underwear when you have a treasure map!?

You don’t! You start to follow the map, and after a long and pretty boring trek, you find yourself standing in front of the local library!

You rush inside and find Mr. Caul, the librarian, dressed as a pirate!

“Hey, J’Mel!” he happily yells, “Welcome to the library!”

“Where is the treasure?” you ask, looking around.

“The treasure you seek…is in a book!” Mr.Caul says, “Figuratively, of course!” (go to 9)

1. You decide to move your underwear, and as you reach your apartment to put them away you notice that the door is ajar. (go to 10)

11. Morning! What a beautiful day! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you couldn’t be happier.

You can’t remember what you did yesterday, but it doesn’t matter!

You know what you’re doing today! (go to 6)

5. No laundry for you today! It’s adventure time! The first part of your adventure? Watching Rachel Ray on the Food Channel! Her grating voice, those sexy, wide hips—it’s more than a red blooded American male can take!

After Rachel, there is Nigella Lawson then Sandra Lee! Then the secretary chick from Ace of Cakes! Time for a nap!

You’ve adventured yourself out. Just like last week, and probably next week, and the week after that. You’re a sad, sad man. THE END.

9.“When you awaken from your blind rage, you find kindly ol’ librarian Mr.Caul beaten to death.

You quickly stick your bruised knuckles into your pockets, and run home.

Now, on top of everything else, someone has stolen your underwear. You don’t immediately think it was the Mexican guy, but you don’t immediately rule it out either… THE END

J’Mel Davidson is the founder of a local improv comedy troupe called The Feminist Debutante Guild. You can send him the love—or a stack of quarters—via editor@bhamweekly.com or heinousclown@gmail.com.