Be thankful for numbered lists!
It’s that time a year again when people gather together to enjoy the most fattening of meals and find things to complain about. Not me, though. I’m thankful for stuff—so much stuff! You don’t believe me? Then, how about I kick you a numbered list of stuff I’m thankful for right now! You know you want it, girl...
1. FAMILY: My folks are pretty damn cool. I’ve talked about them in these pages before, so I won’t dig too deep now. I’ll just say that I’m thankful that I’m surrounded by people that I can count on when things get rough and people I can stand to be around when things aren’t so bad.
2. TECHNOLOGY: Man, it’s awesome to live in the future! Things that we could imagine only ten years ago are now real, and there are always new things happening! What’s hilarious is the fact that we have become so accustomed to this bold new world that we can actually allow ourselves to complain about it! “This phone is stupid! It dropped my call.” That’s awesome. As my favorite comedian Louis C.K. once said, “If you don’t like it, try building your own phone—see how that works out for you.”
3. FACEBOOK: In all honesty, I hate 90% of what Facebook is. It’s full of willful ignorance and blasphemy against the English language. You’re forced to partake in everyone’s boredom as you broadcast your own with stupid surveys, games, and random unnecessary ramblings about nothing. If Facebook isn’t proof enough that Idiocracy is a film that could actually happen, then look no further than the Chicko-Stick fan page. Good God. BUT, Facebook allows me to keep in touch with a few far away friends when it isn’t infuriating me, which I’m thankful for. It’s also chock full of dames that have no problem getting damn near naked and posting all of the evidence online. Sure, the internet is full of naked—but anyone will tell you that it’s better when it’s someone you know. Hell, that’s the reason I joined Facebook in the first place....true story.
4. BEST FRIEND: Sam Landman is my best friend. The other night we had a 2 hour conversation about 1970’s comedian Ray Jay Johnson Junior. Do you know who that is? We do, and it was cracking us up. I could write a love letter about how Sam and I met and how we’ve goofed off for the last 15 years, but that stuff is already legend. What’s important is knowing that there is a person out there that you can call, or that will call you, that is willing to participate in speculative comedic bits that feature Foster Brooks or the kid from Simon Birch. That’s friendship, baby!
5. THE WESTERN DIET: Asian people have adopted a diet that consists of a more Americanized menu. What does this mean for us? Top heavy Asian girls with big behinds. Thank God for the McRib.
6. COP ROCK: I’ve made no secret of how vapid and useless I find the series Glee to be. I even have a friend who hates how much I love to hate Glee. And I hate that she loves it so much that I have to temper my hate—but how could I buy into this soft premise when there was a show that did it so much better? Cop Rock was awesome. It was like a Law and Order episode with guitar solos. Alas, it was too smart, too creative, and far too far ahead of its time. So now we get a room full of After School Special rejects singing Like Prayer. Thanks, Cop Rock, for showing me what real creativity could be.
7. NIC CAGE: See, this is the flip side of the Fandom coin. People are always giving me crap because I love Cage and will see almost everything the man is in. But the difference is, I don’t care. Don’t like Cage? Think he’s a terrible actor? Fine! More Cage for me! I don’t like Cage ironically or as a joke. I don’t enjoy him as a joke. I mean it. Cage brings me joy, so I’m thankful for every insane, wig-covered performance. Sometimes it feels like he’s making these movies just for me! Have you seen the trailer for Season of the Witch!? Come ON!!
8. READERS: Hey, I’m thankful for you guys! Joining me week after week here in the back of the paper. Sometimes we’re serious, sometimes we have a little fun. Sometimes we cause a little havoc. It’s all fun, though. Thank you guys for allowing me to unload my insane ramblings at you time and time again. It’s always a pleasure and an honor. And sure, it hasn’t lead to the influx of sexy female fans that I thought it would—it’s mostly middle aged white men. But, hey, that’s good too! The best way to get hot middle aged women is by hanging around middle aged white men, right? Right? Right!?