Hello, Boils and Ghouls! Time again for a terrific tale of terror told in the tragic tradition! This slimy soliloquy comes at you from the vault, just in time for your old friend J’Mels favorite holiday, Halloween! So, sit back, Have some SLOP corn and a SCARY Coke and enjoy! HAHHAHAHAHA!!! (cough cough...)
In a simple little town, on a simple little street, in a small and simple five room house, Mickey Miller rushed into the room to find Sarah Miller sitting at the kitchen table balancing her checkbook. Mickey was still in his long white lab coat, long rubber gloves, and goggles.
Mickey’s breathing was labored as he paced back and forth trying to catch his breath.
After a moment, Sarah took off her glasses, closed her checkbook, and waited to see what Mickey was so excited about.
She’d seen him like this before. He rushed in like this at least twice a week, and it was always due to an exciting new invention he’d created in his lab.
He rushed in when he invented sonic shoes. He rushed in when he created the peephole that allowed you to see into the future. He could hardly contain himself when he revealed his sea monkey translator, and he couldn’t wait to share the news of his propeller driven jet-pack hat.
Unfortunately, none of the inventions ever worked. The sonic shoes caused sonic athletes foot, the future peephole could only see ten minutes into the future, the sea monkey translator only translated the language into seahorse language, and his propeller driven jet-pack hat was too heavy for anyone with a normal sized head to bear.
And while Sarah Miller had grown tired of her husband’s various schemes at times, she loved and supported him because his dream was to be an inventor.
“What is it, dear?” Sarah asked as Mickey finally caught his breath.
“I’ve finally done it!” Mickey yelled. “I have finally created a machine that turns you into a ghost!” As he said this, Mickey spun around the room and hugged Sarah. She couldn’t help but smile and get caught up in his excitement a bit.
“A ghost?” She asked. “I don’t understand…” “Oh, honey…it’s going to be great. I know that some of my past inventions have failed, but my ghost making machine is wonderful! With it, you can listen to all the conversations you’ve ever wanted to hear, while remaining completely invisible. You can walk through walls at will. You can, if you choose to, manipulate solid objects and have them fly around the room. You can fly! You can go anywhere you want, and no one will ever see you! Soar above the city like a beautiful ghostly eagle!
“You can haunt people! You can be a mischievous poltergeist and haunt friends and family for the fun of it, or you can use your links to the mysterious beyond to haunt those that have wronged you in the past. You can make walls bleed, move chairs across the room, or possess the children of your enemies and cause them to say and do super cool, horrible things.
“You can gain contact to the world of the undead, talking to relatives and celebrities that have passed on! Who killed J.F.K? Was Jane Mansfield’s death due to her ties to the Church of Satan? You can finally find out!
“Simply put, anything you have ever wanted, every heart’s desire, can be yours with my ghost machine! If it works, we’ll be millionaires! The world of business, the world of politics—the entire world will beat a path to my door for its chance to experience the reality of becoming a floating, haunting, flying, spooking ghost!
“All I need is for you to trust me. All I need is for you to put your memories of my previous failures behind you, and give me one last chance.
“Forget about the sonic shoes. Forget the peephole that allowed you to see into the future. Forget my sea monkey translator. Don’t even think about my propeller driven jet-pack hat.
“All I need is for you to believe in my ghost-making machine.”
Mickey waited quietly as Sarah thought. She thought about all the wonderful things he had promised would be possible through his crazy new invention. And as much as she tried not to, she thought about all the times he had failed before.
But as she sat there, watching her beloved wait anxiously for his answer, she thought about how much she loved him.
He was the only man she had ever loved, and it was his enthusiasm in his science that drew her to him in the beginning.
She had made a secret promise to herself that she would stand by him no matter what crazy thing he did or what crazy invention he created. She promised herself that a love like the love they shared was worth the occasional crazy invention—whether it worked or not.
So as she sat there, watching Mickey swell up with pride over his new invention, she knew that she could only give him one answer… “Yes.” Sarah said, nodding slightly. Mickey’s eyes widened and a smile spread across his face. He let out a small squeak of happiness, and began to clap.
Soon, Mickey was leaping around the room. Sarah couldn’t help but become a bit excited herself as she watched Mickey dance and sing and spin around the room.
Soon, she was moved to join her husband in a dance. He grabbed her arms and spun her around the kitchen, then through the dining room. Soon, they had spun through every room in their simple little five room house.
And when they stopped spinning and laughing and dancing, they looked into each other’s eyes and smiled.
Sarah sighed, nodded, and finally said, “Okay, I’m ready. Make me a ghost,” and then closed her eyes.
Mickey nodded, smiled, and placed the barrel of the gun he’d been hiding in his lab coat against her temple.
THE END
J’Mel Davidson is the founder of a local improv comedy troupe called The Feminist Debutante Guild. You can send him the love—or some Flubber—via editor@bhamweekly.com or heinousclown@gmail.com.
http://www.flowersfloristsgifts.com
