Some things must be taken on faith
We know you had many choices for your cult devotion needs, and we thank you for choosing ours!
We are so glad! Glad that destiny has led you to the true path! Welcome to the temple of the True Seth. We look forward to your devotion in our efforts to push the rocks from the cliff to make smaller rocks.
The path to the True Seth is not an easy one.
No true pursuit is. But, just as the Squid- Faced Monkey with the backwards hands rose from the glacier to bring Kenny-Boo, Patricia and Fake Seth the word of the True Seth, we must, all of us, rise to the challenge of pushing these rocks.
But how? Much has been written about the translations of Seth’s instructions and wishes when it comes to the true path, rock pushing, and the source glacier and the road of the backward hands. As a new member you probably have at least 10 specific questions about these things. We will try to answer at least two of your specific questions in this letter, though it may occur that we answer two or more questions that you did not or would not ask. As True Seth always said, “It is in the questions we don’t ask that the answers to the questions we asked are answered.”
“If the Squid-Faced Monkey wanted to spread the word of the true Seth, why did he explode the source glacier? Surely answers could have been found there!” Most people start with the destruction of the source glacier and with good reason, but the answer is so simple that most overlook it. When the Squid-Faced Monkey emerged from the glacier to spread the word he was met with much opposition from The Men in Flip-Flops. Though he wanted to maintain the glacier as a sanctuary for those seeking the word of True Seth, it became apparent immediately that the Flip-Flops would seek out and destroy the glacier. Knowing this, the Squid-Faced Monkey destroyed the glacier himself! But, by doing this, he ensured that the pieces of the glacier would become part of the environment and that, whenever it rains, true followers of The True Seth have the truth rained down upon them! Praise Seth!
“Why must I push rocks from the cliff to make smaller rocks?”
There was indeed a time early on in the spreading of True Seth’s word that pushing rocks from the cliff was to be taken literally.
As you probably know, the Men in Flip-Flops were a great threat to our path. The Squid- Faced Monkey decided that the best and easiest way to combat these annoying men and their attempts to ruin our quest was simply to hit them all in the head with rocks. The rocks, though, were always too big, so we pushed them from the cliff to make smaller rocks!
Smaller rocks would hurt our enemies but not kill them. Smaller rocks would keep our enemies away from the source glacier. Once the source glacier was destroyed, though, there was no need to push the rocks from the cliff—not literally, at least. Today, pushing rocks from the cliff to make smaller rocks simply means that you are to go out into the world and spread the word of True Seth to the young ones. It’s as simple as that! If, though, you find yourself tempted to throw rocks at the Men in Flip-Flops, do not feel bad. This is a natural feeling, and it should always be acted upon. Always.
“Why must I send some guy named J’mel Davidson pictures of my attractive mother/ stepmother?”
Some questions you may have while traveling the path to True Seth cannot be answered as easily as others. Just know that your punctual and loyal adherence to this rule is the best possible path to True Seth. And know that when we say “attractive” we don’t mean “she’s beautiful because she’s my mother” attractive. That is a sweet sentiment, and we respect that, but it doesn’t do us any good. What we mean by attractive is “Damn!” When you are out with your mother/stepmother and catch someone stealing a glance at her backside and mouthing the word “Damn!” then it is your mother/stepmother that J’Mel is looking for. As to who J’Mel is—that won’t concern you until you reach Prot-Level Sigma, or the “Rachel” level, of the path to True Seth.
“Why is it that cat food commercials make such a big deal out of the addition of seafood to their meals? At what point would the domesticated housecat have a chance to develop a taste for shrimp?” Some people say that this question is the very reason that the Squid-Faced Monkey emerged from the glacier all those many months ago. Much like the question regarding the sending of pictures of your sexy, top-heavy mother to J’mel, this is perhaps a question that should not be asked and should be taken on faith. Housecats love shrimp and tuna even though a housecat could never obtain these things on its own. Such is the path… “Will I ever meet True Seth?” No.
J’Mel Davidson is a seeker of truth. As a by-product of this quest, he regularly commits timeless words to paper. We at Birmingham Weekly slavishly print these words in the hope that we, too, can draw closer to the True Seth. Send J’mel your comments—or pictures of your fine-ass mom or step-mom—to email@example.com.