How are you, O Jolliest of Elves? It’s me, J’Mza, from the old neighborhood. I know it been more than 20 years since I’ve written but now, more than ever, I need the help that only you giving me stuff can bring.
To plead my case, I’ve been a pretty good boy. I haven’t had a cigarette in years, I stopped drinking for sport and I’ve been pretty successful with my recent dieting. With all of that in mind, I need stuff from you this year and I think you’ll see that I’m not asking for too much...
I don’t know exactly how magical you are, but Hollywood has led me to believe that you can do anything. That being said, bring me a girl. Scratch that, bring me a woman — hopefully one with as little psychosis as possible and with a great deal of self-respect and confidence. You notice that I didn’t mention looks? That’s because there are things that are more important. I’m getting way too old to be superficial. *Cough* Nice ass *cough*. So, I’m hoping that you will help me to meet a nice, intelligent woman with a good head on her shoulders and more junk in the trunk than Lamont Sanford’s truck. Should this wish be too difficult for you to help me with (because I have had NO luck on my own, believe me...) then I will take other things instead. While you and I both know there is no substitute for the love of a good woman, I have often found that electronics can be a substitute for a good woman.
Klipsch Promedia 2.1 THX Certified computer speakers would be nice. I have never been a person that could comfortably watch a movie on a computer, but if it were pumping through 200 watts of THX goodness, I could sure as hell try.
While I have a great deal of knowledge about the world of Star Wars and its characters, I am in no way a super-fan or an obsessive. And right now, I have nowhere to comfortably assemble it or a place to safely keep it when it’s finished, but I need the Lego Death Star . And I don’t mean the small all-ages version. No, I need the big daddy Return of the Jedi 80-percent-completed version. I NEED it. Perhaps there is a way I can attach magnets to it and to my floor so that it floats and revolves in the center of my living room. Hmmm...
I want a copy of Vanessa Del Rio: 50 Years of Slighly Slutty Behavior . Why? Because I need people to walk into my apartment and say, “What’s that?” and I’ll say “It’s a gigantic book about a 70’s porn star you’ve probably never heard of.” And they’ll respond “It’s huge!” and I’ll answer, “It should be... It was $1,500.” At which point they’ll ask to see it, but I’ll deny them because the &#@%ing book was $1,500!
I want a Dyson. I don’t care what model, I don’t care what color, and I don’t even care if it has a Rolling Suck-Ball or whatever... I just want one. Will it be wasted on my hand-me-down thrift store couch and scarred up wooden floors? Possibly. But damn it, it’s a sexy vacuum! I want it! I’ll vacuum all the time. I’ll vacuum so much!
I would very much enjoy HBO’s The Wire on DVD. I honestly can’t say that I’d watch it. It’s really too tiring to think about reliving all of it over again, but I still need it. I’d keep it in a spot where I could always see it so when I’m flipping through the channels and there is some crap on about American Idol or that Twilight crap, I can just glance over at The Wire and nod. Real Entertainment still exists, I’d think to myself, and there it is.... The Wire.
I need one of Mariska Hargitay’s turtleneck sweaters from the 2001 season of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Don’t ask me why, because you don’t want to know. Don’t try to imagine why, because you’ll be wrong. Just get me the sweater, and walk away. Walk. Away.
I would really be excited to find a complete run of Garbage Pail Kids stickers Series 1-9 under the tree. I don’t want any after Series 9 because the Cabbage Patch people won their law suit so the characters couldn’t really resemble the original dolls anymore. That was half the fun! I used to have a pretty complete collection of the cards, but various moves, girls, and circumstances have all but depleted my once impressive collection.
It would be nice to own something from Design Within Reach . If you aren’t familiar with this fine establishment, you should take a moment and check it out. I don’t really care what I get, because it’s all ridiculously over-priced but I can’t seem to fathom why. I mean, sure, some crazy leather and diamond plate aluminum sleeper sofa by a world renowned umlaut-covered Swedish guy might actually be worth $13,000 dollars, I don’t know. I’m not from that world. My couch is 40 years-old, has three legs, and is probably filled with dust mites the size of a healthy Mexican baby. But that place sells $80 wooden building blocks. I guess they’re carved from the wood of the true cross or something, because no reason is given why 12 wooden cubes intended for the delight of a young child costs 80 *&%$ING DOLLARS. The entire catalog is like this. Bed sheets: $700. Kitchen trashcans: $200. It never ends. The question one is left with after browsing the stores depressingly expensive catalog is “Design within reach of WHO!?” Sort of puts my awesome Puerto Rican porn book into perspective, huh? No? I don’t care. I want that book.
So, Santa Baby, to recap — I would like a decent girlfriend. I think I have earned it. Dear Lord, how I have paid my dues and EARNED IT. But, if it’s not in the cards, I’d like expensive electronics, childhood toys and porn that’s so expensive that I can call it art with a straight face.
Any of the things on this list would be awesome, but none of them are necessary at this point. I’m just glad I made it through another year. But, still, give me stuff.
Love in Christ,
J’Mel
Stories by J’Mel Davidson appear in every issue of Birmingham Weekly. Write to jmel@bhamweekly.com.
To plead my case, I’ve been a pretty good boy. I haven’t had a cigarette in years, I stopped drinking for sport and I’ve been pretty successful with my recent dieting. With all of that in mind, I need stuff from you this year and I think you’ll see that I’m not asking for too much...
I don’t know exactly how magical you are, but Hollywood has led me to believe that you can do anything. That being said, bring me a girl. Scratch that, bring me a woman — hopefully one with as little psychosis as possible and with a great deal of self-respect and confidence. You notice that I didn’t mention looks? That’s because there are things that are more important. I’m getting way too old to be superficial. *Cough* Nice ass *cough*. So, I’m hoping that you will help me to meet a nice, intelligent woman with a good head on her shoulders and more junk in the trunk than Lamont Sanford’s truck. Should this wish be too difficult for you to help me with (because I have had NO luck on my own, believe me...) then I will take other things instead. While you and I both know there is no substitute for the love of a good woman, I have often found that electronics can be a substitute for a good woman.
Klipsch Promedia 2.1 THX Certified computer speakers would be nice. I have never been a person that could comfortably watch a movie on a computer, but if it were pumping through 200 watts of THX goodness, I could sure as hell try.
While I have a great deal of knowledge about the world of Star Wars and its characters, I am in no way a super-fan or an obsessive. And right now, I have nowhere to comfortably assemble it or a place to safely keep it when it’s finished, but I need the Lego Death Star . And I don’t mean the small all-ages version. No, I need the big daddy Return of the Jedi 80-percent-completed version. I NEED it. Perhaps there is a way I can attach magnets to it and to my floor so that it floats and revolves in the center of my living room. Hmmm...
I want a copy of Vanessa Del Rio: 50 Years of Slighly Slutty Behavior . Why? Because I need people to walk into my apartment and say, “What’s that?” and I’ll say “It’s a gigantic book about a 70’s porn star you’ve probably never heard of.” And they’ll respond “It’s huge!” and I’ll answer, “It should be... It was $1,500.” At which point they’ll ask to see it, but I’ll deny them because the &#@%ing book was $1,500!
I want a Dyson. I don’t care what model, I don’t care what color, and I don’t even care if it has a Rolling Suck-Ball or whatever... I just want one. Will it be wasted on my hand-me-down thrift store couch and scarred up wooden floors? Possibly. But damn it, it’s a sexy vacuum! I want it! I’ll vacuum all the time. I’ll vacuum so much!
I would very much enjoy HBO’s The Wire on DVD. I honestly can’t say that I’d watch it. It’s really too tiring to think about reliving all of it over again, but I still need it. I’d keep it in a spot where I could always see it so when I’m flipping through the channels and there is some crap on about American Idol or that Twilight crap, I can just glance over at The Wire and nod. Real Entertainment still exists, I’d think to myself, and there it is.... The Wire.
I need one of Mariska Hargitay’s turtleneck sweaters from the 2001 season of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Don’t ask me why, because you don’t want to know. Don’t try to imagine why, because you’ll be wrong. Just get me the sweater, and walk away. Walk. Away.
I would really be excited to find a complete run of Garbage Pail Kids stickers Series 1-9 under the tree. I don’t want any after Series 9 because the Cabbage Patch people won their law suit so the characters couldn’t really resemble the original dolls anymore. That was half the fun! I used to have a pretty complete collection of the cards, but various moves, girls, and circumstances have all but depleted my once impressive collection.
It would be nice to own something from Design Within Reach . If you aren’t familiar with this fine establishment, you should take a moment and check it out. I don’t really care what I get, because it’s all ridiculously over-priced but I can’t seem to fathom why. I mean, sure, some crazy leather and diamond plate aluminum sleeper sofa by a world renowned umlaut-covered Swedish guy might actually be worth $13,000 dollars, I don’t know. I’m not from that world. My couch is 40 years-old, has three legs, and is probably filled with dust mites the size of a healthy Mexican baby. But that place sells $80 wooden building blocks. I guess they’re carved from the wood of the true cross or something, because no reason is given why 12 wooden cubes intended for the delight of a young child costs 80 *&%$ING DOLLARS. The entire catalog is like this. Bed sheets: $700. Kitchen trashcans: $200. It never ends. The question one is left with after browsing the stores depressingly expensive catalog is “Design within reach of WHO!?” Sort of puts my awesome Puerto Rican porn book into perspective, huh? No? I don’t care. I want that book.
So, Santa Baby, to recap — I would like a decent girlfriend. I think I have earned it. Dear Lord, how I have paid my dues and EARNED IT. But, if it’s not in the cards, I’d like expensive electronics, childhood toys and porn that’s so expensive that I can call it art with a straight face.
Any of the things on this list would be awesome, but none of them are necessary at this point. I’m just glad I made it through another year. But, still, give me stuff.
Love in Christ,
J’Mel
Stories by J’Mel Davidson appear in every issue of Birmingham Weekly. Write to jmel@bhamweekly.com.
http://www.flowersfloristsgifts.com
