1. It is always funny when you fall in public, then pretend like you were about to start running.
2. Midgets in top hats are funny. Midgets dressed as animals are wrong.
3. Midgets yelling at you to call them “little people.”
4. Double takes.
5. Triple takes.
6. The slow burn is always a winner.
7. Shaking your fist and yelling, “Why I oughta!”
9. Effeminate men who aren’t gay.
10. Stephen Hawking
11. Serial killers that trip and fall while chasing you.
12. Very special episodes… “Blossom has cancer… can her hat collection cheer her up?”
14. The Dagwood Special.
15. Bumbling sidekicks.
16. Angry black police chiefs.
17. Christopher Walken.
18. Jheri curls.
19. The robot dance, when done properly.
20. Little boys that were dressed as girls their whole lives, because their mothers believed that little boys were dirty… DIRTY!
21. Larry Fine
22. Heists gone wrong.
23. People dressed as kings.
24. Grown men with falsetto singing voices.
25. Spit takes.
26. Masculine women. Notice they always wear tight blue jeans and walk like cowboys! HA!
27. Porn “stars.”
28. Gallagher, although not for the reasons he thinks.
29. “…Rectum? I nearly killed him!”
30. O.J. Simpson.
31. Sophomore jinxes.
32. Babies with eye glasses.
33. Shucking and jiving.
34. Calling your boss a jive turkey when no one’s around.
35. Abraham Lincoln. Just typing it is cracking me up.
36. Here is a list of television’s funniest moments…
A) The final episode of M*A*S*H. when Hawkeye makes the Korean woman “shut those chicken up.” M*A*S*H really was the funniest show ever!
B) Seinfeld: The time Kramer wore the Technicolor dream coat, and people thought he was a pimp.
C) Good Times: The deaf-mute guy fell down the elevator shaft. He didn’t die.
D) L.A. Law: Leland’s girlfriend was mean all season. As soon as she became likable, she fell down an elevator shaft. She died.
E) Picket Fences: Famed dwarf actress Zelda Rubenstien fell into her deep freezer and froze to death. It was three months before anyone noticed she was missing.
F) One Day at a Time: Her name was Melody, and she wanted to hang out with Barbara. When she found out Barbara hated her, she took a whole lot of pills. A two-part episode!
G) Taxi: Rev. Jim was taking a driving test. When he asked what the yellow light meant, the answer he got was “ slow down.” So he asked again, even slower! AND THEN HE ASKED AGAIN!
H) What’s Happening: When the tough guys threatened Rerun, he was made to take a tape recorder into the Doobie Brothers concert. He got a little carried away, and the recorder fell from his coat. The entire concert stopped to look at him. A two-part episode!
I) Any made-for-TV movie with Meredith Baxter-Birney.
J) Punky Brewster: Cherie got locked in the Fridgidaire. Very special, with a lecture at the end. I laughed ‘til I cried.
37. Sex talk.
38. Baby talk.
39. Asian women in porn movies who beg for “it.”
40. The fact that vegetarians try to get their food to look like real meat.
41. The Fonz.
42. Jokes about rival colleges, and how stupid they are.
43. Drug deals gone wrong.
44. Robin Williams, but only in dramatic roles.
45. Crispin Glover in every role.
46. Almost anything Bernie Mac ever said.
47. It’s always funny when a guy says that he refuses to wear a silly costume, but when the next scene begins there he is... in the very costume he vowed never to wear!
48. Doing the Running Man to a non-hip-hop song.
49. Jerry Lewis has become angry in his old age.
50. The way 1,800 prospectors dance once they’ve struck gold.
51. Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment.
52. Pre-Die Hard Bruce Willis.
53. Pre-American Pie Eugene Levy.
54. Post-Saturday Night Live Chris Rock.
55. Women who wear too much makeup (this is also sexy, for some reason).
56. Bald guys in turtleneck sweaters crack me up!
57. Rip Taylor.
58. David Lynch is hilarious. Not his movies, but the man himself.
59. Using “Deez Nuts” as an all-purpose retort.
60. People that like vampires.
61. Ellen Degeneres, but not for the reasons she thinks.
Stories by J’Mel Davidson appear in every issue of Birmingham Weekly. Write to email@example.com