TAURUS: When you were young, there was a certain set of rules that you followed to keep the monsters from coming. Perhaps you turned the light ff then walked to your bed with your eyes closed. Maybe you knew not to let your feet dangle from the side of the bed or to make sure that every part of you was covered by the blanket. Now that you are older, you cannot keep the creatures at bay, can you? Try booze!
GEMINI: For the entirety of your adult dating life, you have been forced to choose between intelligent or attractive. You hate this, but realize that realistically you don’t make enough money to have both. You used to always choose attractive when you were younger and shallow, but now you realize that it’s not enough. You want an intelligent girl to converse with and to share hopes and dreams with. This is a mistake. If Law and Order has taught us anything it’s that pretty girls won’t testify against you.
CANCER: No one is telling you this because they are embarrassed, but the stars know no shame. There is something you have to realize and the sooner you find out the better life will be — if not for you, 10 for the people around you. Here goes: it’s not sexy to smell like booze in the morning. In fact, it’s sort of sad and slightly depressing. If you’re drinking because of the monsters, well, that’s fine I guess. If nothing else, at least switch to vodka so we don’t have to smell it and be confronted with your... eccentricity.
LEO: Though you put lots of effort into making sure you don’t reveal any V.P.L. (visible panty lines), the fact is they are very sexy. It takes me back to a time when a panty line was the most you would see on a girl hence making it sort of naughty. And who doesn’t want to look at naughty stuff? I do. All the time. I’m looking at naughty stuff as I type this. So naughty...
VIRGO: Lately, you haven’t been feeling like yourself. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but something is off. Your friends all seem to act differently around you and you find that you’re often alone on Friday nights. The fact is you’re boring. Boring.
LIBRA: You can’t tell if that girl you like plays for your team or not. It’s a shame, because she’s really cute. You don’t want to make assumptions based on whether or not she wears enough make up or if she seems “feminine” enough. You’re just second guessing yourself. There really is now way to know until you know. Once again you have to keep her at arms length until you see some sort of clue. And the clues always come too late in the game for you to do anything about it. This is why porn is always a surefire alternative. Sweet, soothing, Japanese-made porn.
SCORPIO: Recently in the news, there’s been a stir over a new product KFC is releasing called the Double Down. It is a chicken sandwich featuring two chicken breasts, cheese, bacon and no bread. The uproar over the absurdity of something this unhealthy being openly marketed to the public rages on but there is a different problem for you. You feel slighted by the fact that you created this sandwich 20 years ago when you were stood up for prom. You also invented Depends.
SAGITTARIUS: Your life lacks adventure. When you were younger you used to take chances and risks. As you near middle age it’s becoming harder and harder to find a good enough reason to leave the house. If only you could find excitement again.
If only you could find a way to revitalize your existence and recapture your youth. Perhaps an affair with the portly chocolate stud that makes your coffee is the answer. Yes, that’s the answer.
CAPRICORN: You’ve been thinking of getting a tattoo for a while but you don’t know what to get. Should it be an Asian symbol that you don’t know the true meaning of? Should it be the name of a loved one that will probably leave you in six months? Perhaps it should be the tribal markings of a race of people you don’t and never will have any connection to. The possibilities are endless! The only thing to ever know for sure is that people will think that you’re cool and you’ll prove how alternative you really are! Hooray!
AQUARIUS: Perhaps at some point while reading these horoscopes, you’ll be tempted to flip the page to read the “real” horoscopes. This is fine; as you should be as complete as possible in knowing what the stars have lined up for you. I might offer this simple tip to get the most from your other horoscope, though. Add the words “Like a Mexican tornado” to the end of whatever you read. The difference will be enlightening!
PISCES: Now that you’re out of prison, you plan to go straight. Your brother has given you a job at his body shop, and even though his wife is against it, he lets you stay in their garage- until you get back on your feet. But now, the man you went to prison to protect is back and he wants you to pull another bank job with him. You don’t want to do it, but he says that after this you can go wherever you want and take it easy for here on out. There is only one problem... that boy you like likes you! The stars are all in your favor! And since he’s pretty but none too bright, you know what that means... he won’t testify!
Stories by J’Mel Davidson appear in every issue of Birmingham Weekly. Write to jmel@bhamweekly.com
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